The Psychotic Hotline

Unedited Transcript of Psychotic Hotline Episode #3

Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, here's your host of Psychotic Hotline®, the spurned, would-be cat woman herself, Sean Young.

(APPLAUSE)

Sean Young: (glaring at audience): Everybody has a little psychotic power.

(APPLAUSE)

Our trained psychotics have a more finely tuned psychotic power.

(APPLAUSE)

Today, we have for you a wealth of psychotic celebrities. Some of them have worked the phones on Psychotic Hotline. Others have used our phone service to bring about positive change in their lives, but mostly, they're all just plain psychotic! If you have a question for the panel, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

(APPLAUSE)

Please welcome Margot Kidder from Superman and the county lockup; the Manchester Madman himself, Liam Gallagher; boxer Mike Tyson; O.J. Simpson; and on the horn, so to speak, from prison, Robert Downey Jr.!

(APPLAUSE)

Sean Young: Welcome, all. (To O.J.): Nice gloves, Orange Julius!

O.J.: Thanks, Sean. Nice job in Ace Ventura — when was that, like eight years ago?

Sean Young: Oh, acquit! You're killing me! Say, O.J., you did a little time —

O.J.: They promised you wouldn't bring that up.

Sean Young: — As I was saying, you did a little time answering phones as a celebrity psychotic. What was your experience?

O.J.: Well, it was a gig when I needed a gig. Hollywood Squares wasn't exactly calling. The headset barely fit my big-ass blockhead.

Robert Downey Jr.: Can I say something here?

Young: No.

(APPLAUSE)

Robert Downey Jr.: O.J. does have a big fuckin' head. Hey, any of you ever mix crack and heroin?

Margot Kidder: Get help. Whatever you do, get help, Robert.

Robert Downey Jr.: Yeah, where's Superman when you need him? Gotta bust outta this joint and get me some more crack. I love crack. Mmm. Crack. And heroin. And whippets, downers. Dude, I'll even do Viagra.

Liam Gallagher: Shut the fuck up, Yank! The only crack you're seeing is your own bloody arse getting buggered by your cell mate!

(ASTONISHED GASP)

Mike Tyson: I ate an ear once.

(APPLAUSE)

Voiceover: Cut. People, let's try and keep it together here. Margot, Robert, let's pick up where you left off. Action!

Margot Kidder: I'm angry at you, and I'm angry at the whole world, Superman.

Robert Downey Jr.: Hey, dude, don't flush that, I'm not done. At least let me scrape the bowl. Uh, hello?

Mike Tyson: Never did eat a nose, though. I hear it's good.

Voiceover: Cut!

(APPLAUSE)

Voiceover: What are you idiots clapping about? Sean, this is your show, your shot at acting redemption. Don't blow it, or so help me we'll get Angelina Jolie in here in a heartbeat. OK, action!

Sean Young: I'm not acting. I really am psychotic! Viewers, please call the number at the bottom of your screen. Please? What do I have to do to get you to call?

(APPLAUSE).

Liam Gallagher: I think I'm on the wrong panel, Yanks. I'm just an arsehole.

(APPLAUSE).

Sean Young: Shut-up, or I'll have Tyson work you over.

Liam Gallagher: What? If I can't talk, what'm I doing on this bloody panel?

Mike Tyson: I like British food.

Robert Downey Jr.: I just realized, I was in a movie with Mike called Black and White. Dude, did I ask if I could kiss you, Mike? You almost knocked my ass out.

Mike Tyson: Oh, yeah, that's right! I wasn't acting, by the way.

Robert Downey Jr.: Why am I always cast as a gay guy, anyway? I'm totally straight when I'm not in jail. I played a gay guy in Wonder Boys, too.

Mike Tyson: Who'd you try and kiss in that one?

Robert Downey Jr.: On screen or off?

Margot Kidder: I have to pee.

Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for us to make a psychotic break. We'll be right back with more Psychotic Hotline.

(APPLAUSE).

"Hi, my name is Gus. I was at a low point, even considering suicide, when I decided, what the heck, why not call 555-KILL? What have I got to lose? Besides my life, I mean.

"It wasn't hard to swallow my pride, considering I no longer had any. After I'd been on hold, oh, a couple of hours (during which time I retied the tourniquet on my arm, adjusted my leg splint, chopped and piled firewood and whipped up a batch of damn good Italian wedding soup), I spoke to a psychotic named Jack. In a very short time, during which I may have blacked out for a few minutes, I came to feel like I know Jack. Did you know he once spent a stretch of time in an actual prison, where he was placed on suicide watch. His dad was once a CIA operative, a torturer in Chile or someplace. But besides talking to me all about his fascinating life, he talked to me about my concerns, predicted a bright and cheery future for me, one where the voices stop and I rip through all my enemies — and I have a lot of enemies — with a brand new chainsaw. It's important to make sure you're using the right grade of oil in your chainsaw. Did you know that? Did you? I didn't. But thanks to Jack, against whom I am now working to get a restraining order, I now know that.

"You know what Jack told me? He said, "Gus, homicide is just suicide turned upside down,' and these are his exact words verfuckinbatim, "like a smile is just a frown turned upside down.'

"If you are feeling at all ill at ease in this hectic, workaday world, you owe it to yourself to call the Psychotic Hotline at 555-KILL. The Psychotic Hotline will help you put your fears — or at least your enemies — to rest."

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