"I'm doing what I did the day I started. I write jokes and I wake up my wife in the middle of the night and I go, 'Honey, is this funny?' So if this monologue doesn't work, it's my wife's fault." —Jay Leno, on the Jan. 2 episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, the first since the writers' strike began
"Good people right now are out of work. And possibly worse, with all the late-night shows off the air, Americans have been forced to read books and occasionally even speak to one another, which has been horrifying." —Conan O'Brien, on Jan. 2, his first night back
"I don't have a joke — I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list." —Late Night with Conan O'Brien scribe Chris Albers, delivering Number 2 on David Letterman's Top 10 Demands of Striking Writers
"I make you this pledge, people of America — we will not improve this show ... it will not be funnier ... it will not be better ... Who do you think is the drunkest in the studio right now? —Craig Ferguson, on Jan. 2, his first night back on the air
