SPRING
Florida's Fetish Weekend. Itching to break in a whip or have your nipples electrocuted? Toss your best fetish gear in the Honda and head over to Fort Lauderdale for the 14th annual Fetish Weekend. The largest fetish event in North America, this 3-day fiesta attracts 2,000 enthusiasts to its main ball and themed socials: "The Beat & Greet," "Extreme Players Bash" and the pool party. Dress code is strictly enforced so if you're wearing chaps make sure they're ass-less. May 22-24. fetishfactory.com.
Gay Days Orlando. Gay Days began 19 years ago as a single day when members of the GLBT community made an organized show of visibility by wearing bright red shirts and invading Disney's Magic Kingdom. Since then, it's expanded to a weeklong festival with over 135,000 people attending 40 citywide events, including wine tastings, female impersonator pageants, musical performances, comedy shows and a slew of club and hotel parties. Though Disney has more than a few pants-less, sexually ambiguous characters, the company doesn't officially sponsor Gay Days, but plenty of other area businesses are out and proud in their support. June 2-8. gaydays.com.
SUMMER
NUDES-A-POPPIN PAGEANT. Instead of forcing you to imagine swimsuit contestants naked, this pageant celebrates the nude form by crowning a new Miss Nude Entertainer, Miss Nude Petite North America and a Miss Nude Rising Star. Each year 6,000 people flood the Ponderosa Sun Club in Roselawn, Indiana for this longest-running outdoor nude pageant. The event is organized by Sun Club members, and all the proceeds go toward keeping the nudist retreat open. Sunday, July 19, www.nudes-a-poppin.com/nap-2008.htm
CAP D'AGDE ("VILLAGE NATURISTE"). Have you ever wanted to visit a meat market in the buff? Cap d'Agde in Adge, France is billed as the world capital of nudism, with its population swelling to over 40,000 during summer months. Nudity is only mandatory on the beaches, but you'll occasionally see a stray nude in town. The village is guarded by a gate and tourists are charged a daily admittance tax. August tends to draw a younger, more attractive crowd. capdagdefrance.co.uk
FALL
Fantasy Fest. Each fall Key West is consumed by a sex hurricane of over 100,000 partiers seemingly blown in from Mardi Gras, Carnival and Halloween. Created to boost tourism during the slow season, Fantasty Fest has grown into a ten-day bacchanal featuring painted nudes in all shapes and sizes and a slew of themed parties and parades, including a toga party at Sloppy Joe's, a drag queen contest and a parade. Oct. 23-Nov. 1. fantasyfest.net.
Swingfest 2009. Swingers from across the globe will converge in Miami this fall to do what they do best: hook up with strangers. Along with adult-themed parties like "ABC: Anything but clothes," the event features an adult expo, a wet t-shirt competition and the Mr. and Mrs. Swingfest contest. Themed playrooms — kink, chocolate and toy — will be open for those with a flavor for public sex. Seminars include tantric sex, female ejaculation and writing the perfect profile. If you're not a swinger but want to be, consider booking a room and claiming ignorance when your partner wonders why all the friendly guests keep inviting y'all back to their room for drinks. Oct. 22 -Oct. 25. swingfestevents.com.
ANYTIME
Caliente. The Caliente in Land O Lakes may not offer oceanfront views, but the landscape isn't the scenery you'll go to see. This clothing-optional resort features a giant pool full of skinny-dippers, plenty of people-watching pool chairs, a sandy lake beach for sunbathing, Caribbean-themed restaurants, five bars, a sauna and sports facilities. If you're just looking to get naked in public for a night, the resort hosts monthly themed parties, including "Naughty Nurses and Sexy Doctors," "Nuttin But Net-fishnets" and an Eyes Wide Shut party. calienteresortandspa.com.
Hedonism III. The perfect place to test the waters of adult-friendly vacations, Hedo 3 offers both a prude and a nude side. But after some all-inclusive cocktails and a few glimpses at what appear to be nude orangutans lounging on the pool chairs, you'll realize your body is nothing to be ashamed of. Officially, public sex isn't permitted, but after 11 p.m. hijinks often occur around the 50-person hot tub after one of the themed toga or pajama parties. The all-inclusive, no-tipping price offers all the usual resort amenities as well as activities like pole dancing, nude volleyball and body painting. Hedo3 even offers nude weddings if you can stomach the site of your parents naked. hedonismresorts.com.
Swinger and Single cruises. Forget Love Boat. These ships are loaded with 1,000 to 2,000 like-minded individuals all ready to let loose in international waters. No single cruise line offers these trips exclusively, so you have to hunt for chartered vacations that cater to your preference. A swingers' cruise just left Tampa featuring swingers' seminars, nudity in pool areas and on party nights, playrooms for open sex, Vegas style nude shows and multiple themed parties. In October an all-lesbian Halloween Cruise departs from Tampa with a stop in Key West for Fantasy Fest Singles, and there are plenty of cruises that cater exclusively to gay men. (Do your research in advance, though; just because it's a gay cruise doesn't mean it's all about cruising; there are numerous cruises that cater to couples and families, like Rosie O'Donnell's R Family Vacations.) Yolocruises.com, olivia.com, atlantisevents.com, singlescruise.com.
Viking: an exotic gentleman's resort. This tropical paradise in the Dominican Republic brings new meaning to the term "all-inclusive." Guests have their pick of a dozen or more "James Bond" style women — exotic beauties, 18 to 26, from places like Eastern Europe, Russia and Brazil (picture the elegant escorts who service U.S. Senators). The standard $4,000 fee for four days also includes drinks, food, golf, scuba diving, big game fishing, a VIP reception at the airport and a car and driver on demand. This is not a sleazy brothel; the safety and health of the women is taken very seriously. If one woman a night is not enough, premium packages include two women in a room fitted with a Jacuzzi tub and a large dual-headed shower. cat69.com.
Shawn Alff is editor of the CL Sex & Love website.
