The weekend shift: Tats eternal

click to enlarge The weekend shift: Tats eternal - YouTube
The weekend shift: Tats eternal

We all know that tattoos last a lifetime, but what if we love our tats so much that we want them to live on even after we die. Now they can, and we don’t even have to freeze to death 5,300 years ago or be a 19th century Polish prisoner to have our tattoos preserved after we shuffle off this mortal coil.

For a nominal fee, we can join the National Association for the Preservation of Skin Art, or NAPSA, and they’ll set it up so that when we die, we get the tattoo or tattoos of our choosing cut from our lifeless corpses to be chemically altered and framed like a shitty wall hanging from Ross so that our loved ones can always remember that time we hauled ass to Mexico and came home with that sweet chest piece depicting tentacle porn.

I mean, that’s cool. There are some incredible tattoos out there. Pinky swear though, if this thing gets popular, let’s set some high standards. Let’s all agree to not preserve that lame dolphin on our ankle for our favorite nephew. Realistically, the nephew will have to justify it to every girlfriend he lives with until it ends up abandoned in a storage shed and ultimately donated to a thrift store where some snowbird unwittingly buys it to decorate the bathroom of their new condo.

Seriously, some of us should be happy to have our shitty tattoos die with us. That cutesy little devil wearing a diaper and holding a pitchfork, the rose on our right boob, the barbed wire around our bicep — they won't be missed, friends. Some things are best left to memory.

And what about the recipient of this most personal post-mortem gift? A favorite guitar or family heirloom would’ve been sufficient, but um, yeah, we’ll hang your dead flesh on the wall above our couch instead, ya narcissist.

What if we never even really liked that tattoo, but now we’re stuck with it, because what kind of asshole just throws out something like that?

On the other hand, if we are to believe NAPSA’s commercial, this sort of inheritance brings melancholic smiles to children’s faces, and attractive middle-aged ladies look lovingly upon a framed, preserved tattoo of a heart with a banner that says simply, “Mom.” 

Certainly there are some folks who would cherish this gesture, even with, or because of, its macabre overtones. The death of a much-loved person in our lives is devastating. Maybe for some people, having an actual physical piece of their dearly departed would give them some comfort — you know, if inked-up human skin as home decor is their thing. Besides, it may be just the thing to really tie the room together. 

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