Updated: Dec. 6, 2008:
This list of sad Christmas songs first ran as a feature in Creative Loafing, back when it was the Weekly Planet, in 2002. I then re-posted it here at TampaCalling last December.
Unfortunately, the list is again proving appropriate, even more this year than during any holiday season in my lifetime. So, I decided to revive the entire article that ran in the old Weekly Planet under the title "Blue Christmas: Songs to avoid (or wallow in) for the season." Cheers.
Originally published 12.18.02:
As anybody living on this side of a Rockwell canvas already knows, the holidays aren't always the happiest time of the year. If you're strapped for cash, feeling lonely or disenfranchised, Christmas usually ushers in as much grief as joy. So, to help deal with the potential doldrums of this week of all Madison Avenue weeks, here's a list of 12/25 songs from the past three decades that wittily reflect — in no uncertain terms — the occasionally grim realities of the season. (Such pre-rock classics as "White Christmas" harbor nearly as much melancholy as merriment, as well, but Jewish composers like Irving Berlin buried the sentiment a bit deeper in the subtext than today's songwriters.)
The alphabetically listed tunes posted below range from poignant ("Pretty Paper") and irreverent ("Fairy Tale of New York") to humorous ("The Christians and the Pagans") and morbid ("Brick") — the overriding criteria for the selections being reality-based storytelling traditionally missing from the standard holiday fare. And although John Lennon's "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" made the cut, political songs with less universal emotional gravity — Steve Earle's "Christmas in Washington," Randy Newman's "Christmas in Capetown" — were deemed unworthy. As was Elvis' generic "Blue Christmas" and the well-intentioned but nauseating 1980s sap-fest "Do they Know It's Christmas."
Included after the artists' name is the best budget album on which to find each title. This little perk is just in case you're looking for that special depressing something to send your ex. You know, just to remind him or her of just how much misery they've caused you during this season of supposed Yuletide spirit.
"Brick" Ben Folds Five, Whatever and Ever Amen The economically challenged protagonist rises at "6 a.m. the day after Christmas" to drive his young girlfriend to the abortion clinic. Now how's that for holiday cheer? Killer Line: "They call her name at 7:30/ I pace around the parking lot/ Then I walk down to buy her flowers/ And sell some gifts that I got."
"The Christians and the Pagans," Dar Williams, Mortal City How about a little humor before blowing our brains out? In this astute comedic sketch from Williams, two related families polarized by religious differences come together for a holiday meal and try to agree that "Christmas is like solstice." Killer Line: "The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch/ Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, "Is it true that you're a witch?"
"Christmas in Prison," John Prine, Sweet Revenge John Prine is one of few songwriters who could take such clichéd country-music terrain as prison, heartache and Christmas, and come up with something that smacked of true sincerity — no big surprises, but genuinely moving. Killer Line: "It's Christmas in prison/ There'll be music tonight/ I'll probably get homesick/ I love you/ Goodnight."
"Fairytale of New York," The Pogues, If I Should Fall From Grace With God A homeless couple's dialogue begins cheerily but by the end of this four-minute exchange, vile nastiness prevails. Killer Line: "You're a punk/ You're an old slut on junk … You scum bag/ You maggot/ You cheap lousy faggot/ Happy Christmas your arse/ I pray God/ It's our last."
This article appears in Dec 10-16, 2008.