Top 10 things to remember next December

What you need to keep reminding yourself about in 2012.

4. He’s a lousy lay. She’s a selfish bitch. And you’re better off without ‘em.

3. The Twilight movies sucked. All of them.

2. Your kids are terrific human beings. They are brilliant and funny and kind. They are also annoying and opinionated and willful. A few years back, they weren’t any better or worse, only cuter thanks to baby teeth and smooth skin. But remember when you took them for pictures and they shit up their back side? Ruining their clothes and howling for ten minutes? The photographer paid you to leave? That was the same day you ran out of butt wipes. How’s that for cute? Raising children doesn’t get easier, only different. When the pimples and attitudes subside, they’ll be cute again. I promise.

1. None of this matters because the world is about to end. I’m not talking about Jesus freaks this time, folks. Ancient Incas didn’t bother developing a calendar that goes past December 2012, probably because they foresaw the popularity of Sister Wives. As a result, we are all about five minutes away from feeding worms. L’Chaim!
I guarantee that most people will forget this information in a year’s time. But don’t worry. I’ll be here to remind you.

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Human beings don’t have the best collective memory — we tend to look back on our history and remember only the good times. We are not inclined to dwell on or think about the cruelty and shortsightedness in our past actions, regrettable music interests and fashion faux pas. We sometimes conveniently forget certain experiences on a personal level, too. In a way, who can blame us? Dismissing family squabbles as unimportant bygones is easier than recalling specific hostilities caused by a bitter brother or miserable sister. Remember how your best friend lost her mind after those two felonies and an ugly divorce? Yeah, me neither. Rehashing shit isn’t conducive to good mental health.

That’s why I save texts and emails.

But reminding ourselves about certain bits of nonsense can be beneficial, if only to prevent history from repeating itself. We really should try to avoid making the same mistakes over and again. You once thought buying Elf on a Shelf was a good idea and now your kids have lost all respect. That’s one thing you don’t want to forget.

Here are some more:

10. Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, Romney, and Gingrich were the best they could do. A tired and demoralized populace is the best we can do. Every time you blame the other party, an angel dies and the terrorists win. Pass the pepper spray instead.

9. Those twenty pounds still haven’t worked themselves off. Point, click, double click, and double tap does *not* count as exercise.

8. You are still in debt thanks to a very special Christmas ’09. The kids haven’t touched the Wii in about fourteen months and how’s that 12-month interest-free plan working for you? An iPhone9 sure is something but please, I beg you — put down the credit card and walk away.

7. Big money is no longer in real estate or the Olsen twins’ clothing line. No, the next craze is either finding a way one can poop in Forever Lazy pajamas without taking them off or self-help programs for people trying to break away from Facebook and Twitter. Invest today. You’re welcome.

6. We are responsible for every evil in the world, including, but not limited to reality television programs, Lady Gaga, and Twinkies. Because we tolerate them, that’s why.

5. Penn State was just the beginning. “Athletes behaving badly” has a ton of upsetting consequences, beginning with the harm done to innocent people and ending with the media attempting to provide contrast by focusing on a certain God-loving quarterback who says Jesus Christ more than I do after trying to balance a budget.

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