Trending 2015: Making (up) the news

As people who do news, we are often asked to speculate on what might happen in the future. For your convenience, we have assembled the following list of predictions for the biggest stories going into the New Year, save for the ones we couldn’t joke about.

Fed up with a stubborn St. Petersburg City Council that won’t give them money do whatever they want, the Tampa Bay Rays opt for a stadium site in a friendly neighboring nation: Cuba.

1990s nostalgia kicks in after the Rays leave, making the Trop look so retro-chic that the Cubs ditch Wrigley and move to St. Pete, Maddon and all.

Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi does something her handlers warned her against: she Googles “gay marriage.” She realizes that she’s been leading a lengthy court battle against what she thought was a type of cocktail that gave her a killer hangover during what was supposed to be a honeymoon in the Caymans, and finally decides to give it a rest.

The opening of St. Petersburg’s new Trader Joe’s leads to rioting and looting and will always be remembered as the day 4th Street ran red with Two-Buck Chuck.

Governor Rick Scott’s political career comes to an abrupt end when, during a press conference touting the creation of 100 new $9-an-hour jobs at a Pinellas Park call center, he is seen grabbing a fly from the air with a long, reptilian tongue. He takes early retirement sunning himself on a rock off Islamorada.

Seeing the likely passage of a bill legalizing 64-ounce growlers, Big Beer tries to convince the public that a half-gallon jug can reasonably be considered one beer; that a guy who just consumed one could tell his wife or the cops he’s had just one beer, albeit a 64-ounce one; and thus growlers are a danger to society. Laughter ensues. So does the legalization of growlers.

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush touts his conservative cred by  trolling the presidential campaign trail with a Ronald Reagan impersonator he found in L.A., complete with cowboy hat. In really conservative states, a faux Barry Goldwater tags along. Jeb wins the primary, obviously.

Common Core is instituted, turning all of Florida’s public schoolchildren into Obama-worshiping commie-Nazis.  Now that the children are all extremely well-behaved zombies in no need of ADHD medication, pharmaceutical lobbyists in Tallahassee launch a crusade to ban Common Core.

Emboldened by the Public Service Commission’s spirited endorsement of fracking, power giant Duke Energy replaces Zax, its ’80s energy efficiency mascot, with “Fracky,” a self-boiling water droplet.

After several months of contemplation on a friend’s couch on Maui, medical marijuana decides to give John Morgan a call. “Count me in for 2016, brah,” says the hempster.

David McKalip and Barbara Haselden are driving back from an anti-transit conference in the Villages called “Light Rail: Nazi conspiracy or communist plot?” when FOX News radio cuts out just south of the Fletcher exit, where traffic has backed up from the Howard Frankland. The car’s radio dial gets stuck on 88.5 FM and they’re forced to listen to a two-hour lecture on the merits of trains and buses. The two newly passionate rail advocates lead the Greenlight Next initiative to a landslide victory in 2016.

Now eligible for a percentage-point increase in the county bed tax, Pinellas County goes for it. But before it can start collecting six cents for every dollar in sales tax on hotel rooms, it has to figure out how to spend it. The Rays, Rowdies, BMX and several prospective museums and aquariums ask that the money go toward their respective projects. Much contention ensues. County commissioners settle on a use for the extra bed tax money upon which all can agree: Everyone. Gets. A. Pony.

This article appears in Jan 1-7, 2015.