Spaced out, running on wine fumes and wondering whether this will be worth it. Of course it will be.
It's Donald Trump's final Tampa rally, we think, before Tuesday's election. It's taking place at one of the smaller buildings at the Florida State Fairgrounds — on Guy Fawkes day, somewhat fittingly.
We're not even supposed to be here. We did not receive proper media credentials and could be thrown out any second.* But if there's one thing we've learned from Trump, other than that our lifelong body image complex was totally justified this whole time, it's that walking in like you own the place will get you everywhere in life, legitimately or not.
So, yeah, here we are, listening to that playlist (which in recent months has incorporated a Backstreet Boys tune, probably for the sole purpose of torturing us). It smells like funnel cake in here. Kinda looks like it, too.
Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi is emceeing.
As we walk in, one supporter standing behind the media corral is shouting, "Grab her pussy! Grab her pussy!"
On stage, the speakers attack Clinton for enlisting A-list celebrities like Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé and Katy Perry and Jimmy Buffett and Bon Jovi in an effort to stoke voters. (Bon Jovi headlines a rally for her later and Jimmy Buffett will do the same on St. Pete's downtown waterfront.)
Bondi announces another guest. A celebrity. None. Other. Than. Joe. Piscopo. ...?
He takes the stage, says he's a fan of Trump, and a friend. He talks about immigrants — the good ones, anyway.
“They learned our laws and they learned our language," he says. "It wasn't the other way around.”
A white guy with a beard holds a "Hispanics for Trump" sign high in the air as an opera tune plays.
Fifteen or so minutes after Trump's scheduled start time, the sound guy pipes down the Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want" and pods up Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA."
Ladies and gentleman! Please give a warm welcome to the next President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!
Trump takes the stage and embarks on a meandering word cloud for the next hour or so, leaping from subject to subject effortlessly.
We don't need Jay Z to fill up the arenas. We do it the old-fashioned way because you love what we say and we want to make America great again.**
He criticizes the rapper for the language he used, which included the f- and n- words.
I'll tell you what, he says, I've never said what he said in my life!
His popularity and how the media ignore it is a favorite topic of his, as it often is. He's even more bigly popular than he was during his primary run, ya know.
I see, I think, more enthusiasm now than I did then. You see these lines of people with these hats on, Make America Great Again.
He does his usual crooked media schtick.
Protesters get kicked out; it's actually a mother and her children, one of whom has cerebral palsy and worries what a Trump presidency would mean for people with disabilities. Supporters kick at the family, including the boy's wheelchair, as Secret Service tries to escort them out.
I must tell you, the Bernie Sanders protesters had much more enthusiasm.
Trump's repertoire this turn incorporates most of the recent political news happenings, save for the one about that poor wife of his, who on Thursday pledged to fight the nastiness that's become pervasive in our culture thanks to people like her husband. Then, he ridicules President Obama for his handling of a heckler. Instead of throwing the guy out, Obama defended him, and used it as something of a teachable moment before his raucous audience.
Trump said he seemed like a weak baby.
Screaming and screaming and screaming, Just like the way he runs the country. Nobody listens to him.
Nobody, of course, but the "lying, thieving people" in the media, he says.
By the way, we're winning in a lot of polls.
The media scrutiny over past statements and actions?
It's the greatest pile-on in the history of politics.
Per usual, he calls Clinton "guilty" of the nebulous things of which she's accused, incorrectly claiming Clinton is currently under criminal investigation. (She's not.)
If she were to win it would create an unprecedented constitutional crisis.
She'd "rob this country blind."
When we win November 8, we are going to drain the swamp!*
Jobs, the wall.
"We love you, Trump," some guy shouts from the back of the cavernous hall, startling the more caffeinated among us.
At some point, he sees a baby in the crowd, kisses said baby, and the crowd goes nuts.
Future construction worker.
Yeah, bro. Maybe he'll join a union and have a great salary and excellent bene— oh, wait.
It goes on for a while longer. Mosul, the dishonest press, "crooked" Hillary. African-Americans "have nothing to lose" by voting for him. And so on.
He lists all the different types of people he thinks God should bless, which means it's time to go before it takes an hour to get out of the parking lot.
Time for a beverage, man. Better find some hipster enclave — Fodder & Shine? — where we can attempt to un-see it all and pretend there's no chance Clinton will lose this thing in three (!) days.
*Trump campaign staff and volunteers, with the exception of this one snake lady that yelled at us for standing too close to the sound guy in Lakeland, has been incredibly helpful and gracious. I've gotten credentials for all the other rallies, so I'm guessing it was either a) a glitch or b) I finally crossed the line. Was it because we didn't endorse him or that time I compared him to the fat demon from Evil Dead II? Oops!
**By "great" he means "impossible for minorities like Jay-Z to achieve success in their own right."
***Draining swamps is actually a very stupid idea detrimental to the ecosystem and the wildlife that thrives therein. To use it as a metaphor demonstrates a disturbingly uninformed understanding of how our world works. See: Florida Everglades.
Kimberly DeFalco contributed to this report.
