Since leaving the world of political consulting in November 2004, I can't say I've been itching to return to the dark side.

But as political television commercials start airing again (Charlie Crist is on his second ad already), I do miss producing television spots for clients. Writing the scripts, spending long hot days in the summer shooting on videotape, then even longer days in the edit suite. Buying media. Reach. Frequency. Fifteen percent commissions!!

To scratch this itch, I wrote a few campaign spots I'd like to see:

Tom Lee for Florida CFO

Tom Lee (standing in the rotunda of the Capitol): I'm Tom Lee. Being Florida's chief financial officer is important. But not as important as our citizens knowing this about me:

I once shoved a lobbyist.

Right here, in this rotunda. He pissed me off, plain and simple. As a senator, I didn't allow special interests bugging the crap out of me. As your CFO, I won't put up with it, either.

Who knows, someday I might even slug a lobbyist. Or two.

V.O.: Paid for by Floridians for Fisticuffs PAC.

Generic Ad for Candidates Whose Opponents Are Rumored to Be Gay

Candidate X (to camera): Florida faces so many important challenges today. That's why I'm glad I have my family to stand behind me as I make the important decisions for our state's future. (Candidate's family enters picture and stands with him.) Unlike some others who want to run our state, I have a family. A loving wife, and several children, the result of successful Christian heterosexual lovemaking, and lots of it. Other candidates may be proud of their civic accomplishments. I'm proud of my family.

Voiceover: Paid for by the Floridians for Heterosexual Sex Between Married People PAC.

Tom Scott for County Commission

Commissioner Scott (to camera): My critics have unleashed their attack dogs on me. They say I vote Republican more than I vote Democrat. They say I'm controlled by Ralph Hughes. (Camera pulls back to show entire body, with puppet strings running from his arms and legs up and out of the shot.) Well, I say they're wrong.

V.O. (as Scott's strings begin yanking his arms and legs in a comical dance): Because eight isn't enough. Or even 10. Four more years for Tom Scott on the Hillsborough County Commission.

Attack Ad

Candidate V.O. (over unflattering footage of opponent): It's bad enough that my opponent wants to raise taxes, socialize medicine and stop everyone from praying. (Amateurish video cuts to opponent at a bank ATM on several occasions, making withdrawals.) But now, my opponent is secretly accepting thousands of dollars from the banking industry. God only knows what she has promised them.

Vote against (insert opponent's name here) and stop the madness. Paid for by the Floridians for Grainy Surveillance Videos PAC.

Kim Berfield for Florida Senate

Kim Berfield (in an immaculate pink business suit): What's in a name? Shakespeare asked that question. Today in Florida, however, the issue transcends literature. Do we really want to have someone representing Tampa and St. Pete in the Florida Senate named Farkas? Frank Farkas? Or Charlie Justice? Seriously, he sounds like a comic book hero. Imagine the lobbyists' jokes.

Your deserve a Florida Senator with a good, common and — most importantly — unfunny name.

V.O.: Kim Berfield for the Florida Senate. Because you can judge a book by its cover.

Ronda Storms for Florida Senate

(Scene opens with two housewives watching TV.)

First Woman: That is disgusting.

Second Woman: What's disgusting?

First Woman: Elton John. Singing a song on The Today Show.

Second Woman: Eee-yeww, why do gay people feel the need to shove their sexuality in our faces?

First Woman: That's exactly why I'm voting for Ronda Storms for the Florida Senate. She'll put an end to this parade of immorality.

Second Woman: And to think I played "Your Song" at my wedding.

V.O.: Ronda Storms. Keeping Florida safe from gay pop-song propaganda.

Florida Republican Party

Party spokesman: I'm Biff Jones, and I couldn't be more proud of the Republican Party's record here in Florida.

We raised your local telephone bills, because the free market knows what is best for consumers. And because the phone companies told us to.

We diverted millions from our public schools for private school vouchers, because of, again, the free market thing. Oh, and choice.

We privatized government functions, because the free market can better provide those services. We are even considering monitoring those privatization contracts, someday.

We fought to keep Terri Schiavo alive. Although that had nothing to do with the free market.

Florida's Republicans. We like the free market. And Democrats are communists.

V.O.: Paid for by Floridians for Republican Free Market Solutions.

Political Whore can be reached by e-mail at wayne.garcia@weeklyplanet.com, by telephone at 813-739-4805 or on our blog at www.blurbex.com.

This article appears in Jun 21-27, 2006.