Turning a blind eye to no cunnulingus

He doesn't even like to look?

I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year. Since the get-go, he has refused to give me oral sex because he just plain doesn't like it, doesn't like the taste. He says he doesn't even like looking at my vagina. He does, however, like me to give him oral sex. I've tried explaining the importance of oral for me, but he thinks I'm obsessing and says the act just grosses him out. I'm resenting this situation more and more. So much so that now I really don't feel like giving him oral sex. Any suggestions on how to improve this situation?

Needing Oral Tonight

Your situation will not improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn't a fag.

There may be a few straight boys out there who don't like to eat pussy, sad to say, but a straight boy who doesn't even like to look at pussy? Unless there's something very seriously wrong with your pussy's appearance — a web of scars from a waxing gone horribly, horribly wrong; the Fox News logo tattooed on your pubic mound; the glowering face of a parasitic twin where your clit should be — your boyfriend is a fag, NOT. Do to your boyfriend what my one and only girlfriend should've done to me: DTMFA.

Just wanted to share a funny story with you. Two nights ago, after three years together, my ladyfriend and I figured we'd give a high-school classic a try: I was going to get a handjob. I must've been temporarily transported back to my Little League days, because as she was contentedly pumping away, I asked if she could adjust her grip, saying, "Baby, could you choke up a little bit?"

"What," she said, the sweetest, most GGG look on her face, "you mean, like, cry?"

I really think she would've done it, too, if I hadn't laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed.

Choked Up In Toronto

Thanks for sharing, CUIT, and now ...

WHEREAS you're writing from Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about conservative American politicians, and WHEREAS my American readers might assume that Canada — where gay marriage is legal, everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter — doesn't have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I will make an effort to write about Canada's batshit-conservative politicians every once in a while.

I could write about your prime minister, Stephen Harper, but a better example would be Vic Toews. Canada's unofficial "Minister of Family Values," member of parliament Toews doesn't like the gays because we're a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic "Black Masses" and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing civil rights statutes would bring the "jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people."

You know where this is going, right?

It turned out that Toews was cheating on his wife of 25 years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by another straight "Christian" shitfuck politician slamming his dick into someone who isn't his wife.

Toews's affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn't destroy him — he became minister of public safety this January — because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews's affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can't be allowed to hide behind "my private business!" when it turns out that the only threat to the politician's marriage was the politician's own greasy cock.

Here's hoping that all straight folks one day realize that anti-gay ravers come in just two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Charlie Crist, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, Vic Toews, et al.).

Toews is pronounced "taves," and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.

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