OK, so he fits a stereotype. It's not his fault he exercises, dresses well, makes lots of money as a real estate broker, and dances till dawn with much younger guys at Chrome. Plus, he makes his own bread, hems his own drapes and dotes on his seriously crazy mother. It's all a little much, he concedes, but he's happy to know his success makes brother Rick see red — as in Red State. And there's a certain comfort in being a perfectionist — it makes up for the disconnect of being a gay person in America 2004, where you can be comfortably out at work, at home, even at church, but politicians can still stomp all over you on their way to Capitol Hill. It's always tough to find a gift for Uncle Robert, the quintessential guy who has everything — but this year, he'll be glad for the thought.
Club clothes
So who cares if he's a little too old for clubwear — he may be pushing 40, but his waistline isn't. Get him the whole package at Urban Body: artfully faded Justin jeans by Energie ($149) with matching black T-shirt ($39), a "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas Nevada" pewter belt buckle ($67), and a black Italian-leather armband ($24.50). Throw in a thin leather choker by BIKO ($17) and he'll have no trouble braving the bouncers.
Urban Body, 715 S. Howard Ave., Tampa.
Tomes & Treasures gift certificate
Uncle Robert has been known to hang out at this much-loved coffeshop and bookstore, which makes sense because it's a great place to, well, hang out. But it's also a great place to shop. Get him a book: Alan Hollinghurst's latest, the Booker Prize-winning Line of Beauty ($24.95). Or a CD: the hilarious Kinsey Sicks' I Wanna Be a Republican ($15.95). Or beefcake: The ever-popular FDNY Firefighters calendar ($14.99). Or, in honor of Robert's culinary skills, there's always the option of a gift honoring his favorite convict: the "All I ever hear is Martha! Martha! Martha!" apron ($19.95).
Tomes & Treasures, 406 S. Howard Ave., Tampa.
Michael Graves housewares
A trip to Tar-zhay makes Robert's day. He's especially fond of the department store's line of housewares designed by past master of the postmodern, architect Michael Graves. Tops on his list: The cream-colored, egg-shaped cookie jar, whose whimsical top seals vacuum-tight. Then there's the banana hanger; it isn't exactly a vital kitchen accessory, but Robert will appreciate the joke.
Cookie jar, $12.99; banana hanger, $9.99, Target.
A stroll down Grand Central
Maybe this is what Uncle Robert wants most — a quiet evening with a few friends (including maybe that cute MoveOn organizer he met during the Kerry campaign) in St. Pete's Grand Central district. This increasingly cool and comfortably homo-centric mercantile strip throws open its doors for a monthly stroll every second Thursday, and it's a good opportunity for Robert to drop hints about what he'd really like: an Elizabeth Clement abstract from Visual Poetry Gallery; designer soaps from Spruce; or maybe that Madonna gold record from M.C. Film Festival. It'll remind him of his checkered youth.
Grand Stroll, 5-8 p.m., second Thursdays, 24th to 26th streets, St. Petersburg.
This article appears in Nov 17-23, 2004.
