Unlike Weapons of Mass Destruction, this Swine Flu is real

Share on Nextdoor

This new and exciting strain of swine influenza has Mexico running in circles looking for a US Citizen to blame for the epidemic.  The CDC is running in circles hoping that this flu strain is just a late bloomer and will not become an historic event that exposes the limited control Public Health actually has over the public's health; and the rest of us, hungry for yet another reason to fret, hang on every word that is being scrawled or belched about this airborne death.

From the Public Health machine at Nova Southeast University in Fort Lauderdale, Florida comes the following recommendations for protecting yourself from this hazard.

1. Stay informed on the constantly changing flu event. (This is where the trouble starts, by considering the potential of this flu when you are healthy, you could easily alarm yourself and stress your immune system and make yourself vulnerable to the disease.)

2. It is important for each of you and your families to take direct responsibility for personal hygiene by avoiding unnecessary contact with obviously ill people. I want us all to take this further by assaulting anyone you see in public coughing without cover or sneezing without cover, and for colleagues who insist that their work ethic includes making you sick as a byproduct of their dedication. (I say keep a bar of Ivory soap in a tube sock— after a good soap whipping the sick bastard will willingly go home.)

3. Thoroughly cover your mouth and nose with disposable tissues or the inside of your elbow when sneezing. And remember to wash your arms past your elbows when washing your hands.

4. Cough into disposable tissues or use the inside of your elbow and ensure the proper disposal of the tissues. Again, be sure to wash high up your arms to protect yourself and everybody else.

5. Use alcohol-based hand sanitizer whenever available. The stuff is cheap, keep it at your desk and in your pocketor purse. Buy alcohol based sanitizer wipes and scrub the surfaces of your desk and anywhere you encounter public influence: public transportation, grocery carts, push-to-open doors at restaurants, anywhere in any public toilet, etc.

6. If you develop flu-like symptoms, contact your personal physician as soon as possible.

What are flu-like symptoms you ask?

Fever (usually high)


Muscle aches


Extreme tiredness

Dry cough

Runny nose may also occur but is more common in children than adults

Stomach symptoms, such as nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, may also occur but are more common in children than adults

The symptomatic part of the flu comes on fast.  But there are over 140 other illnesses with these identical symptoms!

A partial list of conditions that have symptoms in common with the flu:

Cat Scratch Fever

Salmonella food poisoning

Newcastle Disease

Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma

Legionnaires' disease

Hepatitis, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis D, Hepatitis E, Hepatitis X

Fire Ant bite

Over 30 HIV related illnesses

Lyme disease


Manganese poisoning

Metal fume fever: Aluminium, Chromium,  Copper,  Magnesium,  Manganese,  Nickel,  Selenium,  Silver, Tin, Zinc

Slap-cheek syndrome


Streptococcal Toxic Shock Syndrome, non-Streptococcal Toxic Shock Sydrome

Substance Withdrawal Syndrome



Venezuelan equine encephalitis

Eastern equine encephalitis

SARS (The pandemic we have been waiting for all these years)

With so many impostors you really can't trust Dr. Mom with this one.  If you have any symptoms like described above see a real doctor, one with a degree in science stuff who understands how to track disease.  It isn't that anyone can keep you from getting the flu.  It isn't like anyone can cure the flu. Only you can keep you from getting the flu, and when the vaccine is released, you can expose your immune system to the virus without risk of full blown disease.

In 1977 the Federal Government anticipated a Swine Flu outbreak that was predicted to cripple National Defense.  So everyone in the military including the United States Public Health Service, the Merchant Marine and NOAA were ordered to take the vaccine.  I was among the subjects of this preventive measure.  I got more sick than I have ever been before or since.  The Government of the United States later admitted (2008) that the vaccine was in fact live.  To protect the military and Public Health the Government gave us a live virus creating a tidy three week epidemic; that could have well caused massive death across the country except that we were either too sick to move or restricted to base.  Even those with families were not allowed to go home.

Keep your head, the banks are beginning to show profits; GM may have found a way out of the firestorm it has been battling; and know that CNN and FOX News do not have your best interest at heart.


www.hhs.gov (Federal website for general information)

www.who.int/csr/disease/swineflu/en/index.html (International information directly related to the swine flu)

www.cdc.gov/swineflu/ (Federal Centers for Disease Control directly related to the swine flu)

www.doh.state.fl.us/bulletins.html (Florida State Department of Health notices)

www.cdc.gov/travel/ (Centers for Disease Control international and national advisories)

Live Well

Scroll to read more Florida News articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.