Useless. Useless, Useless, Useless

The runners-up

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click to enlarge YAY! T-SHIRTS! Leading the purposeless life at St. Pete Times Forum. - Max Linsky
Max Linsky
YAY! T-SHIRTS! Leading the purposeless life at St. Pete Times Forum.

Although Restroom Attendant was the runaway winner in our Most Useless Job in the World Special Investigation, here are eight others that could stand to go the way of the 8-track tape-player repairman.

Wal-Mart Greeter Here's the thing: We got in the car, we drove to Wal-Mart. Nobody needs to say howdy and congratulate us for arriving. Just let us buy our Dickies and bulk cheese puffs in peace.

Department Store Perfume Shooter These cosmetics department ambush specialists actually do fulfill a need, though it's more psychological than economic: They give focus to, and a target for, that vague, frustrated anger all sane persons feel when forced to actually enter a mall.

The Woman Who Always Shows Up At Your Table Selling Roses If we're eating dinner, we're not thinking about buying roses. If we're having beers, we're not thinking about buying roses. If we're anywhere but a flower shop, we're not thinking about buying roses. Yet there she is, sad eyes and all, brandishing her bouquet.

NFL Cheerleaders Hey, we understand girls who pump up the crowd at college basketball games, but do the women cheering for pro football clubs really have any team-spirit effect? And aren't they too far away to be eye candy? Their only hope is scoring that money shot — those three seconds of screen time coming back from commercial.

Shooter Girl Look, sweetie, if we wanted to drink colorful, personality-changing beverages out of test tubes every night, we'd try out for the lead in a touring-company production of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.

Assistant To The Automatic Toll Collector Remember the days when you could cruise through the tollbooth and toss your money into the basket without ever having to encounter another human? Now all of a sudden we need help with our hook shots?

The Dude Who Cheers While The Girl With The T-Shirt Cannon Shoots T-Shirts Into The Crowd At NBA Exhibition Games Is he throwing T-shirts himself? No. Is the crowd watching him? No. Is he pointing and jumping, hootin' and hollerin', serving absolutely no purpose whatsoever? Hell, yes.

Fast Food Mascot Sorry, we just don't get the seductive allure of human-size food.

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