Using S&M to spice up a vanilla marriage

Avoid cattle prods in BDSM play

How shocking!

My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it's done a wonderful job of spicing up an otherwise very vanilla marriage. We're constantly upping our game — we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our boundaries.

Now we're looking into electrical play. And our question is about cattle prods. Are they safe?

We've seen a couple of BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books out there on safe electro-stim play?

Sub Needs Some Shocks

"Electric play is a great addition to BDSM, but cattle prods are a bad choice as they're not designed for use on humans," says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. "There are several reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions," David continues. "Burns and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn't any way to make a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe movement."

And if you're attached to your balls, SNSS, and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they're not tied to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a cattle prod at all. Invest in a product designed for use on humans.

"The best devices for BDSM electric play are made for that purpose," says David. "They can deliver very intense sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books, you're best off following the instructions that come with whatever device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM products — they come with instructions for using them on humans instead of cattle."

You can see David's products at

My boyfriend and I have been together over eight months. We really love each other, and I see us spending our lives together. At least I did, until something he said a few days ago.

Long story short, for the last five months or so, he's brought up marriage. Then a few days ago he informed me that he actually doesn't want a wedding. When I offered a small ceremony with just immediate family and friends, he balked and said he's not even interested in a courthouse wedding. I asked if everything he'd said before was empty pillow talk, and he said yes. He won't give me any better explanation than that. Oh, and this was two days after we decided I'd be moving in with him, and he still wants me to live with him even after dropping this bomb! Everyone I've talked to, including my therapist, said the equivalent of WTF?!?

Dan, can you decipher this male-ese for me?

Lady In A Relationship

You were discussing marriage at three months?

The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that you didn't laugh in his face, disqualifies you both from obtaining a marriage license. (OK, it doesn't — but it should.) Three months — eight months, 16 months — is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Sure, you can allow yourself to be swept away by new love, you can crush out on each other, you can sheepishly admit that you've allowed yourself to daydream about marriage — so long as that admission is immediately followed by this statement: "But I realize it's way too soon to even think about it seriously ..." But you absolutely, positively should NOT be making plans to marry, small ceremonies or large, courthouse or St. Paul's Cathedral, at eight fucking months; nor should you attempt to hold him — or anyone else — to a premature "commitment" to wed.

Your boyfriend doesn't have a bad case of "male-ese," LIAR, he has a good case of came-to-his-senses-ese. If you're lucky, the strain is contagious, perhaps sexually transmitted, and you'll soon be showing symptoms yourself. And a bit of bonus advice: Get a therapist who doesn't believe that cashing your checks obligates him to tell you whatever idiot thing you want to hear.

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