TV critics like to say, "I watched it so you didn't have to." Well, I can't say I saw all of the shows on public access — I'm not a complete masochist. But I did spend a good 16 hours watching the stuff. Here's what I gleaned:

1. The shows that are done once a month are better than the shows done once a week. (Pinellas only allows one show a month from each producer.)

2. The shows that eschew the tired set that everyone else uses to get out into the community are almost always more interesting.

3. The hosts that acknowledge the dismal size of their audience have a lot more fun.

In my 16 hours, I stumbled across a few real gems … and a few shows that had me on the edge of suicide by polo mallet.

Here are eight worth a look. Maybe.

ACCESS PINELLAS (Channel 96)
(Days and times for November; schedule changes monthly)

Project Mayhem
Sat. 1 a.m., Mon. 1 a.m., Thurs. 11:30 p.m.; Aaron Geisler, producer

The show takes its name from Ed Norton's mission in Fight Club, and while Geisler isn't Tyler Durden-slick, he finds a way to get his point across. Geisler likes to yell into the camera — one particular scene has him screaming at kids to do more drugs. Perhaps not surprisingly, Project Mayhem is the only show to get censored recently, after Geisler stuck in some subliminal porn frames à la his favorite movie. He took them out, but he hasn't exactly calmed down: Project Mayhem is littered with shots of him packing a bowl and screaming about Bush and girls performing beer-bottle fellatio.

Seniors Having Fun
Sat. 6:30 p.m., Mon. 10 a.m., Tues. 2:30 p.m.; Kathleen Fitzgerald, producer

The title says it all. Apparently seniors really are having fun. Lots of it. There isn't a lot of narration. There isn't even a lot of talking. Just seniors. Seniors dancing. Seniors taking batting practice. Seniors going down water slides. Seniors. Having fun.

Skinny Water Kayaking
Mon. 2 a.m., Tues. 9:30 a.m., Wed. 8 p.m.; Chris Skinner, producer

Remember that thing you wanted to know about kayaking? Skinner's show probably has the answer. Skinny may not always be thrilling (there is a lot of emphasis put on kayak maintenance, for example), but it's certainly comprehensive. And even if you're not interested in getting in a boat, it's still a half-hour glimpse into a little-known Tampa Bay community.

What Is Scientology?
Sun. 7:30 a.m., Thurs. 8:30 p.m., Fri. 3 p.m.; Ed Clark, producer

Wanna know? 'Cause you're not going to learn much from this show. The episode I watched was about dianetics, but it was more sales pitch than documentary — not surprising, given that it was made by the Church of Scientology.

TBCN (Channels 19 & 20)
(Days and times through Dec. 6, unless otherwise indicated)

Pharoh in the Hood
Ch. 20, Fri. 7 p.m.; Ch. 19, Mon. 9:30 p.m.; R.J. Howard, producer

The Pharoh's call-in talk show was the best one I saw. It's just him, in a beanie that says "Dirty South," with a brick wall behind him and a phone. Howard goes on long rants about everything from Bush to the Aztecs, and talks a lot about Dual Power systems for Tampa's black community. But the best part of the show is the few seconds right after he picks up the phone, when Howard sits wide-eyed and frozen, trying to figure out if the caller's with him, against him … or has the wrong number.

OverDrive
Ch. 19, Fri. 9:30 p.m.; Ben Eytalis, producer

Eytalis' car show is just good. It's got high production values, slick graphics and crisp edits. Like all the other hosts, Eytalis cares a lot about his subject. But you get the sense that he cares more about the show than most of the other folks on public access. In the episode I saw, he even went down to Ft. Meade for a derby race. Now that's dedication.

French with Mariette
Dates and times TBA. Mariette Coulter, producer

Mariette has been on the air for almost 20 years, and she certainly seems pretty comfortable on camera. The episode I watched started with a sing-along rendition of "Frere Jacques." I didn't. But her show does have a hypnotic quality — you're not actually learning French, you're just slowly forgetting all your problems.

Cooking for Guys
Dates and times TBA. Robert McClelland, producer

Like Seniors Having Fun, Cooking for Guys is pretty self-explanatory. It's not all microwave dinners — on the episode I watched they made a pressed roast beef sandwich and steak fries — but it does stick to easy-to-follow recipes. Like their ranch dressing. Take half a thing of mayo, throw it in a bowl with half a thing of sour cream. Then take your packet of ranch seasoning and dump it in. Stir.

Now that's cooking.

This article appears in Dec 1-7, 2004.