It's common knowledge that I'm a wealth of useless knowledge. People don't come to me for relevant information, like how to program a computer or convert Fahrenheit to Celsius (or how to spell "Fahrenheit" for that matter). Nope, I'm the guy with the low down on really earth shattering factoids, like how long a pigs orgasm lasts (up to 30 minutes) or the least used letter in the alphabet (that would be Q. Q is the slacker letter. Get a job, Q!). So, if you're like me and couldn't give a rats ass about what year Napoleon did whatever it is he did at Waterloo, but take pride in knowing the shortest war on record lasted 38 minutes (1896, Britain vs. Zanzibar, three guesses on the outcome), then AbsoluteTrivia.com is the site for you.
Not including subcategories, there are 22 sections from which you may gain immeasurable randomness. Animals, Inventions, Laws and Customs … it's all here. I spent a lot of time in the Quotations section grooving on gems like, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society" (Mark Twain) and "I can never forgive God for having created the French" (Peter Ustinov).
For an interactive fix, check the message boards or enter random words into the ubiquitous search engine to see what you can get; take a quiz, for goodness sake. And do not pass up the "Today in History" section. Utilize this to try and get out of work: "Boss, today in 1704 one of the earliest newspapers in the American colonies was first published. In honor of our First Amendment rights, I believe we should have the day off to go down to the pub and pay tribute to that bastion of free press, The Boston News-Letter."
Think it'll work?
—Patrick J. Graney
This article appears in May 8-14, 2002.