If you're hesitant to neuter your pet and make it a eunuch, there is an alternative. will tell you about the revolutionary procedure to put fake nuts (cough, sorry, "testicular implants") on your beloved canine, feline or equine (horse balls! Heh. Sounds like my grandfather swearing). This way your pet will continue to enjoy the nut dangling sensation even though he may no longer reproduce. According to the site, "Neuticles eliminates "neuter-hesitant' concerns — as a "Neuticled' pet looks and can feel exactly the same after neutering." Umm ... right. I'm pretty sure the neutered animal KNOWS the boys are adopted. Think of it more like a crotch toupee. For the discerning shopper, they come in a variety of sizes and styles; my personal favorite is the NeuticlesUltra. Apparently they are "solid silicon and is 30 percent softer than NeuticlesNatural for an even softer feel — marshmellow soft." I'm assuming they test for softness prior to attachment. Correction — I'm praying they test for softness prior to attachment. The FAQ section covers the Top 20 questions ("How much time on your hands did you have when you came up with this idea?" was not one of them) and under the "What pet owners are saying" link there was even a guy from Tampa. His quote: "The old way of neutering is 200 years old. Neuticles is about 199 years overdue!" doesn't sound like he's pitching an infomercial, no siree! Too bad I couldn't find him in the phone book. If you happen to know Eric Leven, tell him I wanna see his pet's fake sac. I'm curious. Out of the whole thing, only one part was really disconcerting — using the sign of the atom for Neuticles' logo. Atomic powered fake testicles? Now, there's a super-villain waiting to happen.

—Patrick J. Graney

Scroll to read more News Feature articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.