Does God masturbate? Divine Interventions doesn't give you an answer, but they do provide tools for when you decide to "visit Father Fingers." In case you feel that masturbation is indeed a sin that will lead to eternal torment, then use The Devil. According to my mom, Satan's in your crotch anyway, why not make that a reality. Check out the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, which will surely stop you up better than three blocks of cheese. Perhaps you're a lesbian and using the Jackhammer Jesus to frost the love muffin feels like cheating? No problem, just dial 0 on the pink phone with the Virgin Mary. Lest you think only Christianity gets to "shuck the oyster," check out Buddha's Delight! After all, the way to true enlightenment is a fat man between your thighs. Quality shouldn't be a concern, as Divine Interventions crafts each item out of silicone, as they figure "plastic just ain't friendly." If you're unfamiliar with silicone in an area other than the chest, the product care section can fill you in. If nothing else, go read the product descriptions. The winner goes to Judas: "Imagine if he could fuck the Son of God what he could do for you!" Oh, and as to whether or not the All Mighty rubs one out on occasion, just remember there are two types of folks — those who beat off and those who lie about beating off. Why else would there be so much porn on the Net?
—Patrick J. Graney