You consider yourself a patriot. You’re willing to die for your country.
Okay, maybe not die, exactly. But you’d be willing to do something. If you weren’t busy that day. And it didn’t involve anything more strenuous than yelling at a lady for speaking Mexican in the school supplies aisle at Walmart.
But what if you hate America without even knowing it? Based on not fake science, we’ve developed a test to precisely measure your patriotism. Simply tabulate the number of statements that apply to you, then register your score at the end:
- You have never fantasized about a Caribbean weekend with Mike Pence.
- You’ve been known to put the needs of others before your own.
- You filed for conscientious objector status during the War on Christmas.
- You have yet to ask an usher to seat you in the whites-only section at a professional wrestling match.
- You see the irony in telling an Apache woman to “Go back to your own country.”
- You’ve never starred in a viral video for calling police on black kids running a Kool-Aid stand.
- You have yet to tell your son that if he’s nice to other children, he won’t grow up to be Jared Kushner.
- You think Antifa is an insurance company whose mascot is a talking duck.
- You took down your Confederate Flag at home because it collided with the mauve accents of the trim.
- You once vacationed in Europe. And liked it.
- You find Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” derivative and hard to party to.
- You once bought a futon from IKEA, knowing full well it was made by Scandinavian socialists.
- You keep forgetting to wear your Kevlar vest at the Cheesecake Factory.
- You think Jefferson Davis is a weak hitting second baseman for the San Diego Padres.
- Your nieces have yet to unfriend you on Instagram.
- You’ve never berated a Costco cashier over your Constitutional rights to endanger the health of others.
- Your church’s light show budget comes in at under $700,000 annually.
- You once spent an evening at a vegan restaurant without punching anyone.
- You consider “happy holidays” a perfectly festive seasonal greeting.
- You believe in sacrificing for your country—even when it’s inconvenient.
- You’ve never applied for a license to marry a Beretta ARX160 assault rifle.
- You secretly believe Canada has a better national anthem.
- You don’t tell your kids how cool it would be to shoot the animals while visiting the zoo.
- You’ve never excoriated the handicapped over their special parking privileges.
Scoring Your Patriotism:
0: You’re 100 percent red-blooded American. Everyone admires you. Don’t be surprised if random citizens approach hoping to have your baby.
1-5: Your access to the gun range has been suspended. You can only be readmitted by harassing the Puerto Rican kids who moved in upstairs.
6-10: Go immediately to confession. Tell God you purposely tanked the test to keep the Deep State off your trail.
11-15: WTF is wrong with you?
16-20: You’re a traitor to your country. You think 189,000 deaths is an unacceptable price to restart the economy. No, you cannot bring a kayak to the Trump 2020 Boat Parade.
21-24: Don’t even try to donate to the Kyle Rittenhouse Legal Defense Fund. We don’t want your blood money.
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