I don't care if it's them wanting to love me, or not wanting me to love them, it freaks me out. It's too bad this word scares me so much because there are men out there who want to tell me they love me. I don't want to hear it. Maybe it's because 5 months isn't long enough to be over someone who was there for 6.5 years, even if he was an asshole. Maybe it's because the men who've told me they've loved me before follow it up with getting me arrested, cheating on me, crashing my car, or dumping me two days later because he wasn't mature enough to be saying it to begin with.
Or maybe this time, it's because I know none of them are the right man for me. I'm wise enough to know when they mumble I love you, in hopes that if you don't say it back they can play it off; it's a not coming from the right man. What am I suppose to say to this? Excuse me? Thank you? Shut up or Cum again? I don't want your love, just your ability to make me cum? That's not right either. I'd usually ride him so it was me using his dick to make me cum. Not him making me cum. I didn't say any of that.
The next wrong time to bring up the love word with me, is in the middle of sex. We're having sex, not making love, so why bring it up? Although when being the middle of doing it and him telling me not to fall in love with him, that's a first. I've been told a lot of things while fucking someone but never to not fall in love with them. For known is for warned, so why would I? I was after the sex. I'm always after the sex not the love. The love part just happens for me. I can't enjoy sex if I'm always worried about love.
The last time a man used love around me, it scared me the most. He looked at me and told me he wanted me to fall in love with him because he knew that when I did, it would be for real. He was right. When I fall in love, it is for real. I've only loved 2 men my entire life outside of my family. It flattered me that he told me this. He was basically telling me he was falling for me and he wanted me to fall for him. I knew that if I wanted his love I would have it, but I didn't take his it or give him mine. He wasn't the right man for me either. I wanted him to be, but wanting doesn't make it so. I know you can't make someone into something their not no matter how hard you try.
I do meet men and I like to date, but I date the wrong type of men. I date men who aren't as successful as I am, who don't have jobs or don't have transportation or who have no where to live or have 20 kids and child support coming out there asses. None of these things is a bad thing. I've even dated men who've fallen into all of these categories at once!! It‘s time to look for something different. I don‘t want to be scared the next time a man uses the love word with me.
This article appears in Jul 22-28, 2009.