Before 1969, who knew that Woodstock was a town in upstate New York and not just Snoopy’s BFF? Before you say “Put a bird on it,” you know that the world-famous “happening” now defines the town it invaded. It only took place once, and it made history.
What if we could make history? How would we go about it? Apart from reanimating John Lennon, George Harrison, Buddy Holly, Joe Strummer and Joey Ramone Weekend at Bernie’s-style, it’s quite difficult to pull a maneuver that isn’t been-there-done-that.
Your challenge: Come up with the music festival that will make Tampa Bay world-famous. Not infamous — we’ve had enough notoriety, thank you very much. We mean famous in the important sense. Three rules first: 1. No biker gangs as security; 2. No suffixes like “-palooza” and “-aroo,” and 3. No holograms.
Familiar, scenic locations and some not typically used for events, such as Oldsmar’s Olds Park, Flatwoods Park, Treasure Island Beach’s big expanse of sand (perfect for a big event) and the little amphitheaters at Lowry Park and Sunken Gardens. Here are some ideas to start, one for each season:
The Sweet Rock Hangover
Proposed date: January 1
Headliners: Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Tom Waits, Arcade Fire, The Shins, Santigold, Air, Spoon, Avett Brothers and Aloe Blacc
Local/Florida bands: Sleepy Vikings, Magadog, Y Los Dos Pistoles, Palantine, Tribal Style, Geri X, Easybreezy, Auto?Automatic??, The Legendary JCs and The Dewars.
Bonus activities: Tony Little dunk tank, trampoline disco, puppy-and-kitten petting zoo.
The day after New Year’s begs for a new occasion. It’s boring, anticlimactic, headache-ridden. Let’s make some concerts all around the area, yo. We’ll name it after a clever phrase coined by former music critic Stefanie Kalem, my beloved colleague from the Weekly Planet days.
The Ultimate Resurrection
Proposed date: Easter Weekend
Headliners: The Kinks, The Smiths, Roxy Music, The Replacements, Talking Heads, ELO, The Police, Pink Floyd, The Dismemberment Plan, The Faces, XTC, Ween, the Commodores, Pavement, Madness, The Jam, The English Beat, The Specials
Locals/Fla.: Dumbwaiters, Grecian Urns, Ghetto Love Sugar, History, Win Win Winter
Bonus activities: Grown-up Easter egg hunt (with tiny bottles of booze inside), clown flash mob
The Kinks is my No. 1 choice for rising again on the third day. Founders Ray and Dave Davies are brothers with a long history of discord. Now that Dave has recovered from his stroke, hope is alive again for a reunion, but the two don’t seem to be budging on their grudge. The Smiths is another on wish lists, stymied by its estranged principals, former frontman Morrissey and guitarist Johnny Marr. Do we have any rich local benefactors in town who can bribe bitchy Brits into making nice with one another? Someone named Straz, perhaps?
The Superbands Summer Jam
Proposed date: Second weekend of August
Headliners: New bands comprising members of existing well-known bands.
Bonus activities: Chocolate misting tent, peppermint-eucalyptus Slip ’n’ Slide
The Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin gets with Prince and Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings for the Royal Soul Experience. The Avetts and Mumfords could be Brothers and Sons. For locals, snazzy Tampa showmen Brian Repetto (Dark Esquire, Dumbwaiters) and Aaron Lepley, (November Foxtrot Whiskey) join bassist Karen Collins (Monday Mornings, My Little Trotsky) and drummer Carlos Velez (Magadog, 100 Car Pile Up) in a band per writer Marty Clear’s suggestion; or Repley, for short. The local Americana/roots superband would be named Have Gun, Will Quinlan — thanks to USF communications professor Michael LeVan. That act would include Quinlan, Matt Burke and any number of guys who already play together — with Ronny Elliott. The hardcore/punk/metal superband would comprise Sam Williams of Down by Law, Jeff Brawer of the Dukes of Hillsborough, bassist Joel Brown of 100 Car Pile Up and Shawn Watkins of Tim Version, and that superband would be called Tires Ain’t Pretty, coined by music writer Kelly Becker, or, Creature Features, named by Vinnie Cosentino, frontman for Palantine.
Thanks for the Music Festival
Proposed date: Thanksgiving Weekend
Headliners: David Bowie, The Pretenders and Guided by Voices Ohio-Band Superband, M. Ward, Phoenix, Vampire Weekend, Fleet Foxes, Beach House, Best Coast, Surfer Blood, Cults, Dodos, Dr. Dog, Of Montreal, Man Man.
Bonus Activity: Boot camp fitness (to work off all those excess calories).
This one comes courtesy of music editor Leilani Polk, because there’s never really any good music during the Turkey Day holiday and everyone’s home for the holidays and there’s nothing to do anyway. Held at Vinoy Park because it’s one of the the few times of year it’s nice outside, the Thanks fest offers fans the chance to give thanks for the music, the view, the weather, and the bands that have come down to play. Maybe add booths with Thanksgiving dinner options — or something like in The Last Waltz, where all attendees are treated to some sort of meal?
This article appears in Jul 26 – Aug 1, 2012.
