Word games

What's the proper term for a woman who sleeps with other women?

I'm a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:

1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers "lesbian" and bitches at me for hating that word. Can't I call myself gay?

2. I am a really kinky person: I've been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn't interest me, so I've never gone there. I've read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and — despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched — that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me?

Good Gay Girl

1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They're entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.

2. "Tearing the hymen doesn't always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity," says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. "Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience."

But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.

"If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum," says Herbenick, "it would be wise to get a new vagina toy."

And if you're broke?

"Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina," says Herbenick.

While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn't for you, that's also a preference to which you're entitled.

I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I'm game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card?

Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?

Let's revisit my original definition of GGG: "GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason."

Some kinksters skip past the "within reason" part of the definition when they're discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn't. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn't interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a "fetish too far," which you'll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

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