Working on my NightMoves: surviving the infamous pornstar awards show (pics NSFW)

seducing a few Subway sandwich artists. Aspen and her roommate, the 37 DD MILF performer Kasey Grant, claimed they hadn't been laid since arriving in town; apparently I seemed like an easy target. It didn’t help my confidence that in her heels Aspen was a head taller than me and could easily suffocate me with any one of her massive curves. You have to understand that this is a woman whose fuck buddy is Lexington Steele, a man with a nine and a half inch length of piping—don’t ask how I know this—while I’m a 5’9’’ white guy who once built a penis pump in grade school out of PVC piping.


I had started the night with the genuine intention of being a suit-wearing, professional "journalist" out to cover the 2010 NightMoves Adult Entertainment Awards Show at the Dallas Bull. But, just as many of my nights of writing about the local sex scene had been derailed by internet porn, so to did my plans for documenting this event quickly disintegrate with every drink and every set of surgically enhanced breasts that popped out of their sheer tops mid conversation.


The entire event was surreal, though this was partially due to the lack of blood reaching my brain. The show kicked off with the national anthem, which added a weird air of patriotism to this gathering of adult entertainers and enthusiasts celebrating the modern leaders in the skin trade. Ron Jeremy warmed the crowd with jokes that began, “So this woman was fucking a donkey...” He wore his customary formal wear: grungy corcs sandals and black track pants clouded with white stains.


While teams of local strip club owners/managers, their A-team dancers, and virtually everyone involved in the production or consumption of adult entertainment around Tampa stumbled in, the radio host Cowhead and his band, Pit Bull Toddler, banged out a cover of “My Fucking Poker Face.” The litany of awards, which included such categories as Best Escort Service, was broken up by feisty performances by the likes of local fetish model Evelyn Rose. She took the stage in a black rubber dress, pieces of which kept coming off, then proceeded to gag and whip her slave girl.


Hardcore porn veteran, Nicki Hunter, performed after winning the much deserved Miss Congeniality Award. This curvy cancer survivor had danced onstage at every NightMoves event in the last three days. Her legs were so bruised from slinging herself around the pole that she had to wear high black boots to cover them, which luckily fit her pirate themed strip tease. The thing about watching a pornstar perform a pole dance is that these sex artists are much less inhibited when it comes to crowd participation. Sure she may have face-raped pornstars Sophia Lynn and Audrey Lords who were planted in the audience, but she also made-out with a random woman and squatted on my camera lens.


The pole also got a good working over by Sophia Lynn and dancers from 2001 Odyssey who proved why the club wins NightMoves awards every year. Four LeTeaze burlesque performs worked over the crowd with acts featuring a school girl, a 50s housewife, and ballerinas. Contessa, LeTeaze’s owner, even brought nationally renowned bondage expert Lew Rubens onstage as her slave boy.


I gave up trying to "cover" the event somewhere around the time Shu Tang—three white rappers dressed in all white---took the stage. I was able to relax a bit as Aspen was flirting with a large man in a suit who seemed much more equipped for exercising her sexual frustrations. Yet I was still so noticeably rattled by the amount of overt sexuality surrounding me that the Best MILF of the Year, Tanya Tate, and her publicist kept laughing at me. My bright red face had yet to return to a normal color. By this time I was three beers deep and up to 13 in my multiplication tables. Tate suggested that I mingle with someone more my speed, perhaps the petite brunette sitting beside her: the 20-year-old pornstar Katie Summers. Tate's hand was matched against the younger performer's hand in what looked like the innocent gesture exchanged on a first date, that is until I realized what their discussion of hands entailed.


[image-1]“My favorite fetish right now is being fucked in the ass while I'm fisted in my pussy,” Summers said.


My mind retreated to math. Laughing at my reaction, Tate matched my hand to Katie’s.


“Look Alfie," Tate said in her x-rated Mary Poppins accent. "Your hands are perfect for her. Not too large at all.”


Even though this complement was equivalent to one I had heard earlier, that my dick was probably the perfect size for backdoor action, I couldn’t help but contemplate the geometric intricacies of how exactly Katie pulled off such a maneuver.


Around this time, Maria, the lively manager of the Tampa Penthouse Club and Platinum Showgirls fed me another beer and coaxed me over to get my opinion on something. She introduced me to one of her first string dancers and asked what kind of body paint design I thought would look good on this younger dancer’s naked body. I was back in junior high, sexually overwhelmed and still struggling through my multiplication tables. It just so happened that Maria was good friends with, and secret lovers of, the mega pornstar, Teagan Presley. She bubbled with a simultaneously playful and fierce sexuality that matched the colorful tattoo running down her bicep. Maria introduced me and said I should interview Teagan when she came back to town. My answer was the same as it was for much of the night. “Yeah. Definitely. We should hook up, or, uh, here's my card.”


I know these stars are regular people but it’s easy to get distracted from their normalcy when they mention sexual positions in the same sentence that they ask if you’re in a relationship. And what is the appropriate professional response when Kasey Grant wants to prove how flexible she is by hooking her leg around your neck from a standing position? How should a professional writer respond when she asks, with her leg still hooked around your neck, "In what kind of world should I have trouble finding a  ‘civilian’ to fuck me?”


"I don't know," I stuttered. "You wouldn't happen to know what 16 times 17 is, would you?"


Follow Alfie on Twitter or Facebook,


and email him if interested in writing about Sex and Love.


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“I want to ruin you for other women,” Angela Aspen said as her 36DDD breasts popped out of her undersized top yet again and hovered centimeters above her lemon chicken.

“This chicken is kind of dry huh?” I asked, choking up what I had just swallowed.

In an effort to retain my facade of being a professional writer, I ran through multiplication tables in my head to divert the rush of blood back to my brain. This mind trick, and my ability to recall the product of 4 times 7, were stifled each time Aspen's hand brushed my thigh under the table. Unfortunately this evasive thinking only complicated my difficulties answering Aspen's come-ons with witty replies. Instead I said things like, "I'd like to snuggle the shit out of you and possibly discuss your likes and dislikes."

I’m usually modestly clever when it comes to flirting with strange women, but not when the women are pornstars who repeatedly threaten to kidnap me and use me to work out their sexual frustrations. Apparently this year's caravan of stars suffered from a serious lack of pornstar studs. While some of the actresses had husbands they could donate to threesomes, others enlisted "civilians;" two stars, if I heard correctly, even resorted to

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