"You got the lube?"

First of all, as someone who finds it uncomfortable to pause for certain things, like condom application for example (which brings hormone-y levels from a 10 to a 2 if not done quickly enough), I can't BEGIN to imagine the awkward application of lube.  Upon discussing this, I learned that maybe I'm a bit abnormal, maybe most women need more of a "warm up" before the shrimp boat tries to take a trip to tuna town.  For me, the idea that I am going to have sex is always enough (again, if I didn't have a vagina, I would swear I was a guy).


We discussed the fact that her current boyfriend wasn't a fan of the warm up, which I agree with him on; sex is way too much fun.  Foreplay just gets annoying sometimes.  After all the horny--NOT--details, I suggested she follow up with me and let me know how the new "Super Lube" worked out for her.  Turns out, it IS awkward.  First, it had to be given to him (which suggests he's not good at something … and he's not).  Then, when it came time for application, all hot and heavy, both had to pause. As he put on a condom, looking much like a small child trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, he threw the giant lube bottle in her direction, forcing her into doing the oh-so-sexy application for him.  


It dawned on me that these things are never discussed.  Sex is viewed as intimate and hot and passionate, but never awkward, which I'm starting to think is about 60% of the equation.  


Sex, the Breakdown: 


-30% actual sex/usually inadequate foreplay


-10% finding where everything goes


-60% FUCKING AWKWARD

As I recently discussed with a friend, there seems to be a portion of the population that chooses not to discuss taboo topics; they opt to be polite and keep private matters behind closed doors.  Then there are the people who embrace it. The majority of my friends are the latter.

This is why my Sunday afternoon shopping trip with a friend included a stop at the porn store. No, this was not one of those "let's giggle and try and figure out where that goes" kind of trips. This was the super revealing kind of trip that launches an afternoon-long conversation starting with, "I need to pick up some lube."

Now, I have never been with a partner long enough to need to get "inventive" with butt plugs or silicon-based lube.  Mixing it up, for me, has yet to include foreign objects, so this was all new.

Scroll to read more Tampa Bay News articles

Newsletters

Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.