Dumb [Informal] stupid, moronic. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. And while we all try to avoid being defined in those terms, there is that rare breed of people who wallow, nay glory, in their imbecility. You know — the class clowns who never grew up, most politicians in the free world and, apparently, all the lighthearted folks involved in The Dumb Network.As they themselves warn, the network's got dumb. Lots of dumb. And they're creating more dumb everyday. Their cache of crack-brained information is divided into several categories and, in deference to Florida, I thought we'd start with that category that surely reminds us most of our home state: Dumb Laws.
This category features ridiculous laws from all over the world, from Canada (Guelph, Ontario, is classified as a no-pee zone) to South Korea (traffic cops must report all bribes they receive from motorists). But Florida, of course, goes that extra moronic mile. For example:
* Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
* You can't fart in a public place after 6 p.m. on Thursdays.
* No breaking more than three dishes per day.
* Oral sex is illegal.
What did I tell ya? As we all know, in Tampa, lap dances must be given at least 6 feet away, and women may not expose their breasts while performing "topless." But were you aware that the fine for hitting a pedestrian in Sarasota is a paltry 78 bucks? I'm going there for my next vacation.
Not to be outdone is Dumb Bumpers, divided into subsections from Alcohol ("I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.") to Guns ("Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.") to Religion ("JESUS SAVES ... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!"). I'm having more than a few of these put on T-shirts for Christmas gifts.
There's also Dumb Criminal Acts, Dumb Facts and Dumb Warnings, along with a few categories under the new "Real" series (Real Fears, Real People's Names, etc.). In short, more than enough idiotic, brainless, inane, ludicrous and just plain stupid stuff to keep you laughing until Florida passes its next dumb law.
Do these people have too much time on their hands? Yes. Do I envy them? Hell yes!—Kelli 'Not Quite Dumb Enough" K
