Remember when Alec Baldwin ripped his pre-teen daughter a new one via voicemail? Or when the St. Pete cops sliced and diced that tent city? How about when O.J. got arrested — again? Fortunately for the smart-asses who write Creative Loafing's weekly Short List (aka "News bites with teeth"), the year just past provided a wealth of headlines like these — which meant that we had plenty of material to make jokes about.
Ah, 2007. The presidential campaign, sports scandals, the war in Iraq, the 20-something Girls Gone Wild spectacle of Brit, Paris, Lindsay and Nicole. Scorsese finally winning an Oscar. Bob Hite getting nailed for DUI. Bart Simpson flashing his willy on the big screen.
It was truly a year to remember. Before we get too far into 2008, here is the Best of Short List 2007.
JANUARY
MARILYN MANSON SINGLE AGAIN
He's back on the market, girls. Or boys.
JEB BUSH'S LEGACY, ST. PETE TIMES VERSION
"At 6-4, Bush towered over Florida's political scene, both literally and figuratively."
JEB BUSH'S LEGACY, REALITY-CHECK VERSION
Soaring property taxes. Artificially high housing prices. Insurance crisis. The Terry Schiavo fiasco. More partisanship in appointing judges and other officials. Schools mired at the bottom of national rankings. Outsourcing government work and taxpayer dollars without adequate oversight.
FDA SAYS CLONED ANIMALS OK FOR FOOD
Test subjects, however, eventually report a sense of déjà vu, saying that they had "eaten this meal before."
TODAY SHOW PLANS EXPANSION
In ratings bid, fourth hour will feature Al Roker in ass-less chaps.
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
Blah blah blah frikkidy blah blah.
FEBRUARY
TONY DUNGY
Despite weeklong push by St. Pete Times for sainthood designation, coach Dungy settles for winning the Super Bowl.
MITT ROMNEY HECKLED OVER MORMON FAITH
Christian zealot in the audience silenced by four of presidential candidate's 12 wives.
OREGON SNORKELER SHOT IN FACE, 'MISTAKEN' FOR GIANT RODENT
Was Dick Cheney in the Pacific Northwest this past weekend??
CONTROVERSIAL CHILDREN'S BOOK USES WORD 'SCROTUM'
What did you expect in Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Wrinkled Nut Sack?
NASCAR, HARLEQUIN SIGN DEAL
"Her eyes locked on his rugged face, she slid her hands up his muscle-rippled thighs as he made another of his seemingly endless left turns."
JAMES CAMERON 'FINDS' TOMB OF JESUS
Does this mean we don't get to bite the heads off of chocolate rabbits once a year anymore?
VILSACK DROPS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE
Well, well, this changes everything.
MARCH
PARIS, NICOLE TO BECOME WEIGHT-LOSS COUNSELORS
"Puke. Rinse. Repeat."
LEGISLATIVE SEASON STARTS
Good news: Legislators can't accept campaign contributions during the 60-day session. Bad news: Now they begin screwing with state laws.
NEWT CHEATED
Gingrich acknowledges extramarital affair during Clinton impeachment; says the relationship took his mind off his meth habit and porno addiction.
COMING OUT
Steve Stanton hasn't even had sex reassignment surgery yet and already his bosses are treating him like a female employee.
THE IRAQ WAR
Happy Fourth Anniversary to you, Happy Fourth Anniversary to you ...
TRAVOLTA SPEAKS AT ST. PETE SCIENTOLOGY CENTER
In rare moment of reflection, apologizes for Battlefield Earth, Face/Off, Staying Alive, The Punisher, Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too, Look Who's Talking Now ...
APRIL
DONALD TRUMP VS. VINCE MCMAHON
Loser-has-head-shaved wrestling match outcome was moot: The Donald's hair is impervious to any known blade or substance, 10x harder than diamond.
SANJAYA VS. ANYONE
Loser-keeps-winning controversy is moot: Sanjaya and his hairstyles are impervious to any known logic or talent measure, 10x harder than Cowell.
OBAMA SPEAKS
The O-Train rolls into Ybor City for a crowd of 2,000; Cuban Club atmosphere like Tropical Heatwave (without the dope).
BORIS YELTSIN, 1931-2007
We fellow vodka drinkers salute you.
FLAMING LIPS AT JANNUS
Still picking the confetti out of our unmentionables.
FLAMING ASSHOLE ON THE RADIO
Bye-bye, Don Imus.
DUKE RAPE CASE DROPPED
CNN, Nancy Grace, MSNBC, Fox News all reported inconsolable about the gap in programming.
FCC COMING TO TOWN
Here's our question for the commissioners: Why the hell does TV Land play so many Andy Griffith Show and Good Times reruns? How about forcing them to mix in a Get Smart occasionally?
ALEC BALDWIN VOICE MAIL
Tells his daughter, "Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy."
MAY
ST. PETE BUDGET CUTS
Mayor Baker announces he'll axe Police Department's Tent-Slashing-Knives Fund.
TIMES PUTS SUSAN STANTON 1A ON MOTHER'S DAY
Editors are secretly working on lining up a shot of Rosie O'Donnell for Father's Day.
AIR AMERICA SET FOR RELAUNCH
Switch to "All Zeppelin, All the Time" format should give it a kick-start.
THE YIDDISH POLICEMAN'S UNION
Michael Chabon writes the must-read book of 2007.
