Doody Free

This investigative report gets the poop on Cottonelle Rollwipes.

Recently, we spoke to publicist Aurrice Duke about Cottonelle Rollwipes, which are the company's new pre-moistened toilet tissues for use in conjunction with regular dry toilet tissue. Having used this efficacious product, we're happy to report that Rollwipes are adept at ridding arses of pesky dingleberries and other tacky, skidmark-inducing poop residue.

WP: Won't the Rollwipes by themselves leave you a little damp?

Duke: No, they're not (laughs) — OK. They're not dripping wet. They're moist.

WP: What's the secret ingredient?

Duke: To be honest, I don't know off the top of my head. It's just like a water solution. And it has like a fresh scent, and it's safe to the skin.

WP: It says in the press kit there haven't been any innovations in toilet paper in a hundred years. To me, that says, well, there's nothing wrong with toilet paper the way it is.

Duke: What they found out, and it's scary — well, not scary — to think but they do, or did do, a considerable amount of research for this product, and what they found is, people were improvising, whether they were going to the extreme of taking a shower after going number two, or actually using, wetting actual dry toilet paper, or using, like, moist folded wipes. They came up with this system, or idea that it's both convenient and very easy to use. So that's where the genesis came from.

WP: How long does the average roll last?

Duke: It depends on how many members use it. Personally, I've had it up, and it lasts about two weeks, maybe a little bit longer.

WP: Members of the household?

Duke: Yes, it depends on how many family members, or how many roommates, or how many people you live with.

WP: Are there other uses for Cottonelle Rollwipes?

Duke: Sure! You can use it for cleaning glasses. They did focus groups and found out some people wipe their shoes with it, eyeglasses, uh, removing makeup.

WP: They wipe their shoes with it ... like if they stepped in number two?

Duke: No. Not number two. Women have used it to freshen up. When it's super-hot outside, they found it refreshing to just kinda wipe under their arms or things like that.

WP: Does it dry out with prolonged disuse?

Duke: No. Well, I can't say it never dries out, but it's good in the dispenser for at least 30 days.

WP: Could you remoisten it somehow, like dunk it in the back of the tank?

Duke: Ooh. Scary.

WP: Just to get it remoist. It's mainly water.

Duke: It's mainly water, but ... there are other ingredients that allow it to be dispersed the way it is, like when you pull it out sheet by sheet, as well as when you drop it in the toilet bowl, that it does breakup just like dry toilet paper, so I'm going to have to say no to that one. But you're speaking to the public relations person that sent it out to you. If you want to speak to someone at Kimberly-Clark —

WP: That's OK — you'll do fine. Could you describe the proper technique for using it? Do you use one square?

Duke: It depends on what kind of toilet paper user you are. Some people like to roll, some like to bunch. So I think it really depends, but I think on average, the idea is two to three squares.

WP: Is that your technique?

Duke: (Silence.)

WP: I saw in the survey more females than males talk on the phone while going to the bathroom.

Duke: Oh my goodness.

WP: Did you see the survey?

Duke: I did see the survey. The word is out. Well, I wouldn't consider myself —

WP: A phone talker?

Duke: A phone talker.

WP: A toilet talker?

Duke: Toilet talker. Potty mouth.

WP: Potty mouth. Exactly. Now, this is probably going to sound stupid; it said some people see the bathroom as a private sanctuary. My wife keeps talking about making one room in the house, make it nice and comfy, a kind of meditative place, and I was wondering: Should we do it in the bathroom? Would that be a good place for us to do it?

Duke: What? To do —

WP: Oh, to make it a sanctuary.

Duke: I think the survey had revealed that talking among other coworkers, the bathroom is kind of a place where you can get away?

WP: That's where I hide. Just leave me alone!

Duke: Just give me a minute!

WP: I'll be right out! See, now I can have a phone and a laptop, just conduct all my business in there — not just the usual business. Where did the name Rollwipes come from?

Duke: That's a Kimberly-Clark question. I guess because it's on a roll, and it is a wipe. I think one of their critical elements in order to convey normalcy, that it is a normal product for everyone to use, and there is no kind of stigma attached to using a moist product, was to be able to package it and have it available in roll form. I might be stretching it, but that would be my guess.

WP: Do Rollwipes cost more than standard dry toilet paper?

Duke: I'd say it's comparable in price. A refill pack of four, which has a hundred count, is $3.99.

WP: How do we know this isn't just a clever ruse to take more money from the pooping public?

Duke: I think it has to do with a preference. And also maybe relates back to America's obsession, America's — what do I want to say?

WP: The softness of America's stools?

Duke: No! It relates back to our obsession with ... being clean. Don't you think?

WP: Yeah.

Duke: I think as a public, we are obsessed with clean and germs. Going back to the research they've conducted, 63 percent of Americans have used an alternative to dry paper for personal cleaning.

WP: Boy, wonder what some of the alternatives were.

Duke: Well, you could use baby wipes, go to the extreme of taking a shower, you can wet a washcloth.

WP: Eww. I wouldn't want to do that laundry. Now, who exactly is Kimberly-Clark? I didn't know if it'd actually be possible to talk to Kim.

Duke: Uh, Kimberly-Clark is a corporation.

WP: It's not a person?

Duke: No. Kimberly — I think it's actually a last name.

WP: Have you heard of an upperdeck?

Duke: No, what is it?

WP: It's where you, instead of going in the normal part of the toilet, you go in the tank. You take the top off. It's a prank.

Duke: Really? I've never heard of that. How would you get that out?

WP: You'd have to get one of those fish-tank scoops, or a kitty litter scoop. I thought you guys would know.

Duke: If anyone would know, the woman you're calling about toilet paper would.

WP: You could probably wrap it in a Rollwipe and pick it out of there. Anyway, I have one more question. Are you pooped yet?

Duke: No, not pooped. Exhausted.

—David Jasper