Sh*t Happened 5/30/17: Tiger in the tank, Tampa to get 2018 NHL All-Star game, implied cannibalism

Good morning! Here's your forecast for Tuesday: Slowly climbing insecurities will be mitigated mid-afternoon by an encroaching wave of confidence, leading to a rising sense of maybe we'll make it through this that should produce the first good night's sleep in weeks.

Golf great and person that often comes to affluent white Americans' minds when asked if they actually even have a black friend Tiger Woods was arrested on suspicion of DUI early Monday morning in Palm Beach County. Woods quickly blamed the arrest on a cocktail of medications rather than cocktails in an apologetic public statement, apparently forgetting we're not exactly still telling our kids to ask themselves "what would Tiger do" since that whole wife-smashing-the-car-over-all-the-side-action thing.

Tampa and Amalie Arena will play host to the NHL All-Star weekend in January of 2018. If you can name enough hockey players to fill out two All-Star teams, I might need to hire you as my slidey-flatball tutor.

Here's an awesome headline from yesterday's WTSP feed, presented joyfully without context:

And finally, some Sarasota County homeowners went into their back yard yesterday morning and found a 7-foot-plus gator chilling at the bottom of their swimming pool. Enjoy these halcyon days of early summer 2017, in which such an occurrence still seems noteworthy and novel, then prepare to bow down to our new reptilian overlords. (Just a feeling I'm getting, really.)