You know what, Monday? You just might've lost the power to surprise.
So what do you do after knocking a bunch of Girl Scout Cookies to the ground outside a Walmart? Demand compensation for a debt owed, of course — first in cash, then in cookies — before throwing some punches. This story makes no sense. That's usually what happens when the word "melee" shows up in a Florida headline.
Two dogs in Tampa were shot by a police officer when they turned on the cop after mauling a poodle to death. One of the dogs died. The attacking dogs' owners are unhurt and, one assumes, immediately able to continue failing at life.
For the first time ever, Sarasota County authorities are charging a heroin dealer with manslaughter, alleging that she knew the drugs she was selling — cut with carfentanil — could be deadly. Some cigarette company magnate just had his gold-plated butler bookmark this story on the computer-box, before hastily arranging a meeting with a U.S. Senator.
And finally, despite having traded away some their best players and generally not doing so hot on the ice, the Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Ottawa Senators 5-1, thanks in large part to a Nikita Kucherov hat trick. Me getting much clearer about what actually happened during a slidey-flatball competition is surely a sign of the impending apocalypse.
