Good morning! We hope you enjoyed your regularly scheduled rebrand of a traditional pagan holiday. History! It's full of hilarious ironies some people refuse to acknowledge.
FRIDAY, DEC. 23:
Beloved actress Carrie Fisher suffered a heart attack on a flight, and was rushed to an intensive care unit. The latest reports have her in stable condition. 2016 can eat a roomy sack of leprechaun taints.
Hey, remember that time Pam Bondi received a $25K campaign donation from Donald Trump, and then declined to look into fraud allegations regarding Trump University? Yeah, they haven't been able to kill that just yet — Florida Governor Rick Scott has assigned the official complaint to a state attorney, who has a year to wait a while and then quietly dismiss it as meritless in exchange for a favor down the road investigate.
SATURDAY, DEC. 24:
Orlando water park Wet 'n Wild announced it will close its doors Dec. 31 after nearly 40 years as a fading Central Florida tourist attraction. But if you're one of the seemingly millions of people who honestly doesn't care about swimming in strangers' urine and Band-Aids, have no fear: a new, more contemporary water park/growth medium will eventually open in its place.
The Bucs lost to the Saints 31-24, and put their hopes for a wildcard playoff slot in serious jeopardy. If the Bucs win their final game and two other teams lose theirs, some arcane sportsball statistical magick might see them squeak in, but as far as I could tell before being put to sleep by the details, it doesn't look good.
SUNDAY, DEC. 25:
And finally, George Michael died at the age of 53. I sincerely hope 2016 chokes on its leprechaun taints.
