Good morning! Today is National Doughnut Day. It's also National Leave The Office Early Day, and National Rotisserie Chicken Day. So, basically, it's National America Being America Day. Today's forecast is for a continuation of the sense of embarrassment that built up yesterday and intensified overnight, which will combine with a persistent localized system of self-denial to produce a 60% chance of an aggressive confrontation with a stranger in public this evening. Also, it'll probably rain, so choose your footwear with that in mind.
An unattended package that precipitated an evacuation of Tampa's City Hall yesterday evening was found to be nonthreatening, but then you probably figured out that was where I was going when I didn't lead this bit with something more explode-y.
Despite record tourism numbers year after year, a new report shows that only one of Central Florida's major theme parks experienced a growth in attendance in 2016. "So what the hell are all these people coming to Florida for, anyway?" wondered a lobbyist to himself while waiting in line at the bank to deposit a check from a company called Corrosive Beach Slime & Toxic Algae Runoff Unlimited. What the hell, indeed?
Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, who's been unsettlingly quiet of late, caught a win when she was able to announce that six Hillsborough County individuals were arrested and charged with attaching credit card skimmers to area gas pumps. But by all means, continue examining and prodding and trying to break off pieces of the pumps at your local convenience store like you know what you're looking for. Vigilance, price of liberty, etc.
And finally, cable network TNT announced it has killed its attempt to reboot cult-beloved pun-heavy '90s HBO horror-comedy series Tales from the Crypt. Which has nothing to do with people being stupid in Florida; it just bums me out, is all.