Holy crap — after what seems like forever, it's finally here: The day we stop arguing about certain elements of the one thing, and begin arguing about different elements of the one thing after the fact. Can't wait.
Jimmy Buffett stumped for Hillary with VP Joe Biden at St. Pete's Albert Whitted Park. Tons of affluent middle-aged conservative white dudes who apparently assumed all middle-aged white dudes are the same were shocked to find out the guy who mostly writes about the American rat race being pointless bullshit isn't a Republican. That's like not knowing Toby Keith leans somewhat to the right, or that Ted Nugent is a huge douche. Oh my god, what's next, Willie Nelson being liberal?
An employee at a Deltona retirement community executed a squirrel with a BB gun after two actually kind of scary and injurious attacks on residents in less than a week. Odds that the employee shot the right squirrel? Cue third attack in 3, 2, 1...
Speaking of animals and guns, some asshole Snapchatted himself shooting a protected sandhill crane in Fishhawk Ranch. Because if there's one thing we know, it's that being evil on social media is always free of repercussions. Asshole.
And finally, FWC authorities reportedly located and fired a tranquilizer dart at Pinellas County's newest Mystery Monkey(tm) in Pinellas Park, but last we heard were still looking for the animal in the area. This could be bad. Monkey wake up angry.