Happy End Times Apocalypse Day! Read this before you make an uninformed and life-altering decision about looking up today without proper protection.
FRIDAY, AUG. 18:
A 25-year-old man who's been charged with DUI managed to hit 17 cars in a Davenport apartment complex parking lot, as well as crashing through the complex's security gate. Dude, just pay the $5 delivery fee. They've got Taco Bell on there now.
Two 17-year-old Boca Ciega High students were arrested at a football game at Pinellas Park High for being in possession of a semi-automatic handgun loaded with two bullets. Look, I know high-school football is boring, but a murder-suicide pact seems a bit extreme — it's over in, like, three hours.
In a statement, former St. Petersburg mayor and current mayoral candidate Rick Baker said that were he elected, he would not recuse himself from business dealings between the city and his current employer, Bill Edwards. I, uh... hello? Are you still there? Did you die of surprise? You did, didn't you? You were so surprised to hear that a politician refused to recognize a potential conflict of interest in his relationship with a powerful and influential businessman that you just died. I'm sorry I killed you with words you didn't expect to see together.
SATURDAY, AUG. 19:
How hot was it this weekend? It was pass out and drive your SUV into the Cotee River hot, that's how hot it was this weekend.
SUNDAY, AUG. 20:
And finally, comedy icon and human incarnation of the phrase "a complicated relationship with his critics" Jerry Lewis passed on at the age of 91. Whether you think he was a comic genius or an embarrassing, out-of-touch relic, he had a helluva turn in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit back in '06.