Planning a gayvention

Should I out my online-trolling classmate?

click to enlarge Planning a gayvention - Joe Newton
Joe Newton
Planning a gayvention

I’m a 21-year-old gay male. My friend “Marcelo” is friends with “Chad.” Everyone who meets Chad assumes he’s gay. Never had a girlfriend, a dance major, dyes his hair blond/green/purple, got up at 2 a.m. to watch Kate marry William — I could go on. Over four years at college, this situation has gone from funny to sad as we realize he may never come out and could pull a Marcus Bachmann and live a miserable life with a miserable wife. Last night, Marcelo was on Grindr and got a message from a guy who turned out to be Chad! Chad sent a face pic, Marcelo sent a faceless one back, they chatted. It turns out that Chad is experienced enough to know his homosex likes and dislikes and carry on a detailed conversation about them with a guy on Grindr. Should we say something to Chad? Would letting him know he’s been outed be the best course of action? Should we have a gayvention?

Closet Case Confusion

Chad hasn’t “been outed,” CCC, Chad outed himself.

Before Al Gore invented the internet and ruined everything for everyone forever, a college-age closet case had to work up the nerve to visit the campus gay bar if he wanted some dick. The closet case knew he was running a risk by showing his face in the campus gay bar, but going to the bar was the only way to get some dick. So the pre-Grindr college-age closet case would slip into a gay bar and, after pounding shots in a wildly successful effort to self-medicate against his inhibitions, wind up shirtless on the dance floor making out with some random dude.

There was a code of conduct for friends of closet cases when I was in college — which was, I’m sorry to say, just a couple of years before Grindr came along (cough, cough) — and a section that dealt with dance-floor make-out sessions: If you saw a guy who told you he was straight in class on Friday morning making out with some random dude on the dance floor of the campus gay bar on Friday night, you had a right — no, you had a responsibility — to tap him on the shoulder, smile, and say, “Welcome out, dude.”

if you had engaged in a little subterfuge — if you, say, ducked behind a post when you saw the closet case come in so he wouldn’t spot you and flee the gay bar pre–shots/shirtless-make-out-session — that was an understandable impulse and forgivable sin.

What Chad is doing on Grindr is the Grindr-era equivalent of making out with a random dude on the dance floor of a campus gay bar. What Marcelo did was the Grindr-era equivalent of ducking behind a post. And now Marcelo has a right — no, a responsibility — to tap Chad on the shoulder and, without any sense of malice or triumph, say, “Welcome out, Chad.”

Your question two weeks ago from the guy who “stumbled over” his brother’s femdom sex blog reminded me of a funny story: My little brother came out to my parents in 1995. It was rough. Our parents refused to help pay for my wedding because I insisted on inviting my brother and his boyfriend. Mom and Dad are now rightly embarrassed by their behavior and they worship his husband.

Last year, my parents found out that my older brother — their straight son — is kinky. A vindictive ex hacked into his email and sent a letter to everyone in his address book. Big bro has a dungeon, his current girlfriend is his slave, he’s made BDSM porn. Mom, completely distraught, called her gay son: “Why can’t Josh have a normal relationship!” she cried. “Like yours!” So far as Mom is concerned, her gay son is normal and her straight son is a freak. Is that progress, Dan?

Brothers Done Shocking Mom

I don’t know if it’s progress, BDSM, but it’s hilarious. And I trust that you’re sticking up for your kinky straight brother now just like you stuck up for your gay brother back in the day.