The Miami Heat will beat whoever is left in the NBA championships, proving that for the right price LeBron can win the big one.
Summer's here! If I were still in school, I'd dream of having me a blast, meeting a girl crazy for me, who thought I was cute as can be, then we'd make out under the dock till 10 o' clock, followed by a shot from the clinic doc (that's how the song goes, right? Ah, summer lovin'...)
But for the rest of us who live in the town of Grownup-Gas-and-Electric-bill-ville, the only real indicators that spring is over is that the steering wheel burns our fingerprints off, the malls are stuffed with loitering punks whose nut-less parents once again failed to force them into getting jobs, lightning victims happen almost daily and panhandlers break out disturbingly tight "Daisy Dukes." Oh yeah, and July 4th falls on a Monday this year. (F**K!)
The only seasonal occurrences remaining consistent as youthful exuberance spills into soul-crushing adulthood are sports, from the boys of summer to the short-sleeved mugshots of off-season NFL players. So let's fire up the grill, grab a Kool-Aid with a splash of Daddy's happy juice and consult my crystal sweaty-balls for what we can expect from the dog days of 2011. It's SPFabulous! (Sorry.)
Apparently up to his saggy chest with man-titty jokes, Phil Mickelson will show up to the US Open in Bethesda strapped with a prototype "sports-bro" which results in both a smoother, more comfortable swing as well as a cocktail napkin with Tiger Woods' cell number. Awk-waaard!
The ACLU will crash the NASCAR Coke Zero 400 to protest the pre-race prayer, citing it as offensive to agnostic rednecks. Jesus is later spotted with a Dale Junior jersey and a cold Bud slurring, "Can I please have just one f***ing sport, for the love of Dad?"
LeYawn James, Dwyane Wade (yes, I spelled Dwyane correctly) and the other overpaid freaks of the Miami Heat will beat whoever is left in the NBA for the championship proving that for the right price LeBron can win the big one, Cleveland will never win anything (ever), the city of Miami will always be the metaphoric result of an LA/New York car crash on the beach at low tide and the NBA's only remaining fan base will be the players' illegitimate children.
After the 53rd and final DUI, drug possession and/or attempted murder arrest, Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris will decide to hold off-season volunteer workouts in the courtyard of the Orient County Jail. The NFL will protest the move as a violation of the lockout, to which coach Morris will joke, "What are they gonna do, arrest us?" and playfully chest-bump a guard. The experiment fails three days later after a player finally drops the last bar of soap and nobody moves.
The NFL/union dispute ends badly and the 2011 season is lost, forcing players to scramble for their college transcripts to rediscover their minors. Two weeks later, Wal-Mart coincidentally boasts a company-wide economic stimulus by hiring 1,696 new employees who can simultaneously greet customers and beat their ass.
The Tampa Bay Lightning will continue their surprise run through the NHL playoffs and bring home a historic second Stanley Cup Championship. The Floridian fan base shows its appreciation by studying up on the sport and collectively and sheepishly admitting that until this year, they could have sworn "icing" was what they put on cupcakes.
The Rays will roll though the American League and finish the summer as the leader of the AL East with a promising push to a second consecutive October appearance, inspiring manager Joe Maddon to upgrade his nickname. After a drunken Sideways marathon, the skipper is overheard during a tirade with an umpire screaming, "If anybody calls me Merlot Joe, I'm leaving. I am NOT called any f***ing Merlot Joe! Call me Chateau Margaux Joe, you uncultured half-witted boob!"
Meanwhile, Manny Ramirez gives back the guaranteed money he fleeced from the team with a signed apology, the cash is used to fund a new stadium and stubborn local Yankee and Red Sox fans hop on a one-way flight back to where they came from, never to return, making Tampa Bay beautiful again. (Whoops! Got my predictions mixed up with my fantasy list.)
That's it for me, folks. Wieners are done!
