If narcissism and vanity had a love child, they’d name her Selfie. As annoying as so many selfies are, and make no mistake, eyes-be-rollin’ at photos of your post-gym workout body or your I’m-a-gangster!-in-the-bathroom-mirror self, they have become an extension of how we tell people about ourselves, especially because so many of them are posted on social networking sites. It’s the look-at-me-ing of society made possible by the rampant availability of technology and the timeless human need for validation.
There are many types of selfies, but most, when shared on social media, do not help your cause, because even if you look like the beautiful sex-kitten you are aspiring to be in the pic, the fact that we all know how orchestrated the selfie actually was generally gives the perception that you are a needy attention whore.
Selfies of abs; you and your guns (literal and figurative); duck-faces; cleavage; ass-shots; your new boobs; you in a bikini; your smoldering squinty-eyes and slightly open mouth; and anything done in bathroom mirrors are all cheese-dick selfies. Know this. Don’t ever-body need to know you’re horny and desperate. Seriously, play it cool, Player.
Bro-dudes, when thinking of taking a selfie, ask yourself, “What would Clint Eastwood do?” Not, “What would Justin Bieber do?” So what if Clint Eastwood is old school? That octogenarian could kick the Bieb’s ass right now. Be more Eastwood, less Bieber. Have some integrity.
Criminals and mouth-breathing thieves who take incriminating post-crime selfies really double-down on the douchebaggery of the selfie. Slow hand clap to you geniuses.
Selfies taken in the car — just, why? Of you “asleep” — fake! Or freshly awake, but still in bed — because you wake up all sexy and sleepy-eyed and people so rarely get to see it. Or crying — that’s a thing, Google it — can be filed in the oversharing pile.
All that said, some selfies are acceptable. If you’re on top of Machu Picchu, by all means, take a selfie. Get a totally new hairstyle? A selfie can assuage the reactions of others before you see them in person. I won’t begrudge you of a selfie of your own little Corona commercial when you snap a selfie of your feet at the beach. When you and your peeps show the world how drunk you are, we feel the love.
Besides, selfies that include others (even pets) help to nullify the egocentric nature of the selfie, so even though they are self-taken, they're less about one’s own self, and more about the experience you’re having with other folks.
This part can be tricky, though, because you don’t want to be those chicks that won’t stop taking group selfies at the Dave Matthews Concert. We get it. You’re at the DMB show, so watch the show and stop looking at yourself in the damn camera.
