MICHAEL MOORE INVESTIGATED FOR CUBA TRIP
Feds fear he secretly performed a Santeria healing ritual for Castro.
SHERIFFS' TIGHT BUDGETS CUT SCHOOL OFFICERS
Public education will resort to old system of snitches and rival gangs to keep the peace.
She's pretty hot — for an older broad.
TIMES PUTS SUSAN 1A ON MOTHER'S DAY
Editors are secretly working on lining up a shot of Rosie O'Donnell for Father's Day in June.
BRANDON SWORD MURDER
Democrats immediately call for new regulations and limits on martial arts cutlery; GOP defends Second Amendment's "right to bear samurai arms."
CHRYSLER SOLD TO PRIVATE GROUP
As part of deal, new owners promise to track down and destroy all copies of the Dr. Z commercials.
SEARCH FOR MISSING SOLDIERS IN IRAQ
Echoes White House ongoing search for Bush's missing brain.
JOSE PADILLA TRIAL
After initial blockbuster charges that included a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb," U.S. begins trial against alleged terrorist for jaywalking conspiracy.
TONY KILLS CHRISTOPHER
Nice to see The Sopranos mix in a public safety message: Buckle up!
What exactly was it about this misshapen zillionaire record producer that attracted so many middle-aged women? Did we mention zillionaire?