Dear Readers: I regard this column as a sacred tryst. Your faith in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me on a daily basis, and the seriousness with which I approach my chosen profession would normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of unruly drunks in a bar. But word somehow got around the bar where I retired to write this week's column, and the assembled drunks insisted that they be allowed to share their hard-earned wisdom with you. So I printed out a few of your letters on the bar's office printer — with names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details removed — and passed them around with pens and legal pads.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines "advice" as "an opinion about what could or should be done," and opinions, as Saint Paul famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone's got one (Esophagans 14:20). Please note that I don't endorse all of the asshole opinions below and on the website, and rest assured that I will be drinking/writing/drinking elsewhere from now on.
My wife and I have been married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don't have sex much, maybe three times a month. We've seen a therapist a few times, and it hasn't changed anything. I still love her, but my needs haven't been met and I'm frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an ad on Craigslist — not to cheat but to just get some erotic interaction via the web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth. However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized and said I never wanted to be with anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I was desired. My wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I did.
Are we effed? I know what I did was horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her, and I don't want this to end it.
Confused In Salt Lake
• "Since you live in Salt Lake, I'm going to assume that you didn't have sex with your wife before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the cow."
• "A lot of men make the mistake of initiating sex by just being like, 'Hey, let's fuck.' Try this: Rub her shoulders, offer to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat her out, but don't ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show her that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn't work, sorry, you're fucked."
• "Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you to move out. It's already over! HELLO?!?"
I have a submissive side. My first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add "more sauce" to the mix — bring another man into our play, and this other man's ejaculate — I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are interested in bisexual behavior and being a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C., but the cohort for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it's nothing but fat women. I don't want to pay, I work out, I have a salary, and I eat my lunch every day. I don't need to be looked after. I am totally self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a woman. If the right woman came along now, I would marry her and make her very happy.
Should I be more patient and let her find me, or should I find ways to put out more openly that I am a submissive?
Where Are The Monogamous Dominant Women?
• "Where are your social skills, douchebag?"
• "You sound like a dick. Only sex your way or you dump them? WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly introduce the Dom/sub stuff. Right now you are SO demanding with your fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else's. That's a dick move."
• "When I got to 'I have a salary and I eat my lunch,' I stopped reading."
• "You suck. The end."
