Our Valentine’s Day gift to you is this abbreviated primer version of our Dirty Sex Dictionary, an ever-expanding, politically incorrect, proudly tasteless online compendium of fetishes, euphemisms, sex positions, absurd sex acts, insults, and innuendoes. While this sexual lexicon is guaranteed not to make you a better lover, and definitely not a better person, it will add some creative details to whatever fantastical (and imaginary) sexcapades you will brag (or lie) about this Valentine’s Day. Check out hundreds more entries that were too dirty to print by clicking here, and receive daily word updates on Twitter at @DirtySexDic.
A is for
Asstronaut: The first person to have anal sex with an anal virgin.
B is for
Business Shower: When a couple showers together without engaging in sexual activity.
C is for
Condom (synonyms): Bachelor’s tuxedo, close combat sock, hazmat suit, love glove, one-piece overcoat, plastic wrap, raincoat, rubber glove, scumbag, shower cap, slicker, snake skin, space suit, tube sock, wet suit …
D is for
Doppelbangers: Sexual partners who look like siblings.
E is for
Erotophobia: Fear of expressing or experiencing sexual desires.
F is for
Furvert: One who has a fetish for pubic hair.
G is for
Game Show Host: A man who has the ability to kiss women within moments of meeting them.
H is for
Hiber-Dating: When a person loses contact with friends and family because he or she is spending every minute of free time with a new lover.
I is for
Icolagnia: A fetish for looking at nude photos, images, or statues.
J is for
Jalapeño Finger Poppers: Pleasuring someone with your fingers after handling jalapenos.
K is for
Kicking the Tires: Premarital sex. Origins: From the practice of kicking the tires of a used car prior to purchase.
L is for
Looner: A person with a fetish for balloon popping.
M is for
Masturbation (unisex synonyms): Couch hockey, devil’s handshake, five-knuckle shuffle, hand-to-gland combat, hands-on training, manual override, one-handed clap, scratch an itch, secret handshake …
N is for
Narratophilia: A fetish for dirty talk or sex stories.
O is for
Onion: A person who becomes increasingly less appealing, and possibly worse-smelling, the more layers of clothes he or she removes.
P is for
Penicorn: A fabled penis whose conquests and size are often exaggerated by its owner.
Q is for
Quick Lube: A quickie, usually during lunchtime; regular sexual maintenance required for a human body to run properly.
R is for
Retifism: A fetish for shoes.
S is for
Sexercism: Having sex with a new partner in order to remove the demon of guilt and the emotional baggage left over from the horrible death of a relationship.
T is for
Telephonicophilia: A fetish for phone sex or dirty talk.
U is for
Ursusagalmatophilia: A fetish for teddy bears, as well as for dressing up in animal costumes. A form of plushophilia.
V is for
Vatican Roulette: The rhythm method of birth control.
W is for
Weenis: A tiny penis.
X is for
Xeronisus: An inability to reach orgasm.
Y is for
Your Mom: Apparently she is a very promiscuous woman.
Z is for
Zipper Sparks: Dry humping.