The Weekend Shift: Fecal yourself thin

We all know how tough losing weight can be. Many of us have wished there was some magic pill that would melt away the pounds. But what if that magic pill contained freeze-dried poop? Still interested? If so, you may be in luck.

Later this year Massachusetts General Hospital will run clinical trials in which feces donated from lean healthy people will be freeze-dried, encapsulated, and given to 21 obese patients once a week for six weeks to see if it helps them shed some pounds. It worked in mice, so clearly this is legit.

The process, called Faecal Microbiota Transplantation, or in lay terms, eating shit, may help with metabolic disorders by improving the microbiome situations in our guts. In fact, this sort of so-called transplantation has even outperformed antibiotics against certain life-threatening infections, though in that case the means of administration are somewhat unsavory, i.e. it goes in one of two holes that aren’t your mouth.

Who’d of thunk it? Maybe dogs have been on to something all these years.

Scientists say they don’t know what the outcome will be, but they just can’t believe they found 21 people willing to eat a strangers poo. Actually no scientist said that — not out loud anyway.

I know what you’re thinking, but allegedly there are no worries about burp-back. Poop pill creators say the feces is processed to become odorless and tasteless, and is then double encapsulated. That’s pretty important, as no one wants to be having a conversation and burp and everyone’s like, “Dang, who farted?” Plus, how gross would it be if there were a taste, like when you take a vitamin. These are legitimate concerns that we as a people need to address.

In all seriousness, though, surely the participants have exhausted many avenues in their efforts to lose weight, and it’s likely they were chosen because their obesity is life-threatening, so, ya know, desperate times. Such a simple yet disgusting thing; like chicken eggs, and look at all the beneficial nutrients in those.

But wouldn’t it be so great if it works? Some skinny healthy people can make a little cash on the side via excrement donations while people who just can’t seem to drop excess weight can finally get fit. A win win.

What if it even comes full circle, to the point where morbidly obese people get thin and healthy and can then donate back? A community can grow around the process complete with teary thank you’s and long bear hugs. All thanks to number two.

Science, man. Science.