Shit Happened

Ah-nold, Newt, The Donald and other people with questionable futures.

FRIDAY 13

Reuters reports that the late Osama bin Laden had an epic porn stash in his Pakistan compound. Stockpiles of Coke, Nestles and porn? This guy was more "Real America" than Sarah Palin's Alaska.

SATURDAY 14

The Tampa Bay Lightning maul the Boston Bruins 5-2. Boston ties the series on Tuesday. If Bolts come back on Thursday and Saturday, look for Bostonians to start believing in Armageddon.

SUNDAY 15

Inflatable Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich slams Rep. Paul Ryan's budget as "Right Wing social engineering," then flips and apologizes. Newt's ex-wives say, "This all sounds very familiar."

MONDAY 16

Donald Trump announces he's not actually running for the Republican nomination for president — even though he's positive he would win. Someone's been hanging out with Gary Busey too long.

TUESDAY 17

Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals he sired a child with a household staffer over a decade ago, announces plans to travel back in time and terminate that child before it can hamper his post-political career.