My first year of gaydom — Heartbreak, grief and alcoholism (part 4)

Author's note: This is the second installment of a series of pieces that reflect on the year that I first discovered that I like women. I celebrated my "Bi-versary" on Oct. 5, 2010, and felt amazed by all the growth, changes, realizations and events that had occurred in the past year. I went from not knowing I am attracted to women to embracing it, discovering polyamory, and all the adventures that then ensued. The first part of the series begins here. The second part can be found here. Part three is here.

Tuesday, March 30

I sit up entirely too straight on T's futon couch in her apartment as I balance my plate of dinner in my lap. I can feel the springs in the futon underneath my skin, trying to push through the fabric and into me. The sensation complements my nerves, boring their way through me.

In my backpack lying next to the futon is my drawing notebook with the picture I had drawn the night before of a woman curled up, hair falling over her face, a crying vodka bottle tipped towards her. A hand reaches out to her, but will she take it?

Stuffed inside the book are the notes I've written out to help remind me what I want to say. Next to those is information that I've printed out on Alcoholic's Anonymous.

I'm so scared.