The weekend shift: Dance face


Dancing is one of humanity’s most enjoyable pastimes. Whether or not we’re any good at it is irrelevant, as long as we’re having a good time. Still, we all at least try to move rhythmically. With so much effort going into trying to look cool on the dance floor, one area that seems overlooked is our dancing face. This fun little phenomenon seems to come from somewhere deeply organic. Most of us probably don’t even know what our dancing faces look like, but our dancing face says a lot about us.

Here’s a list of some classic dancing faces.

1. The Hurts So Good: A favorite among men who are dead fucking serious about a song. I mean, clearly the beats are hot, or the guitar solos shred so much you have to stand still for a moment and just rip into your air guitar while your face contorts into something akin to trying to push out a stubborn turd.

2. Eyes Closed Serenity Now: All eyelids and armpits and a meaningful crease between your eyebrows, this one is about feeling the music without being distracted by all the posers that are interfering with you and your song. You even go a step further and lift your hands up, open palmed like a zealous Baptist, because you can really feel the music through your open hands. Obviously.

3. The Sexpot: Your sultry eyes and incessant biting of your bottom lip tells everyone, “I’m a hot fuck, and you're in my vicinity.” Definitely back that ass up and look over your shoulder with your glossed lips slightly agape, mindful to toss your hair around a bit so we can smell your Suave Infusion Awapuhi Shampoo.

4. Raised Eyebrows Full Eye Contact: This bitch needs to know we ain’t trying to engage like that. R.E.F.E.C. is just an average dancer who works their moves with a stupid wide-eyed expression, trying to lock in some eye contact, demanding to be noticed. Dude, stop clamoring for attention. We’re not forming a circle around you.

5. Pursed Lips All Attitude: Shoulders pumping, this dancer’s face says, “I’m the tits-la-ritz, baby!” This dancer's pursed lips wordlessly denote serious attitude, and we just know he’s thinking, “Sing it Gloria, girl — Damn straight I’ma Survive! I will Survive!”

6. Business Time: The best dancers have mastered their dancing faces, looking as serious as an Olympic gymnast about to get on the balance beam and try not to get bitch-slapped by their coach when they get back to the hotel. The general rule is, the less severe the dancing face, the better the dancer.

7. Shit Eating Grin: This happy dancer is one of the lucky ones. Or just drunk. Probably not a great dancer, but they have no insecurity issues about it. They don’t worry about what other people think about how they dance. Life can be fleeting, so they better just have some fun while it lasts. And right now, they’re dancing. Almost surely at Skipper’s Smokehouse.