Have an EXTREME Morning

Mountain Dew produces an alternative breakfast drink you didn’t know you needed.

If you’re EXTREME, then you know that Mountain Dew is about to introduce a new “breakfast drink” called Kickstart.

A blend of “fruit juice,” less caffeine than the average energy drink and God only knows what else (seriously, I could not find a legit list of ingredients anywhere among the countless online news stories), Kickstart will be providing an EXTREME way to begin your EXTREME day before February’s end. No longer will you have to put up with such non-EXTREME day-starters as actual fruit juice, coffee, tea, smoothies, Bloody Marys, Gatorade, Vitamin Water, caffeinated water, regular water, boilermakers or Irish car bombs.

I know, right? Finally, breakfast in a can for people who aren’t following a weight-loss plan conceived in the ’70s. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, MOUNTAIN DEW?!

Says Greg Lyons, Mountain Dew’s vice president of marketing: “Our consumers told us they are looking for an alternative to traditional morning beverages — one that tastes great, includes real fruit juice and has just the amount of kick to help them start their days.”

Because no one is as qualified to determine the future of breakfast as the jittery, mostly adolescent cult following of a soft drink named after a bluegrass song about distilling moonshine.

(Also, Greg Lyons may have actually said that, out loud, but I can pretty much guarantee somebody like me was paid to write it before he said it. And also that he probably never actually said it. Out loud.)

Look, maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, EXTREME. I did not drink coffee until deep into adulthood, when the demands of my profession prescribed it. I took my skateboard apart and turned it into a mount for my guitar effects pedals when I got sick of falling off of it. I have never bumped my car up on two wheels to maneuver it through an alley narrower than its width. I have no personal experience with diabetes, 72-hour basement gaming sessions, overnight coding marathons or decidedly hit-and-miss hip-hop. I am not a part of Mountain Dew’s EXTREME NATION.

Maybe I should just have my iced coffee, and then my Bloody Mary, and then my Irish car bomb, and shut up.

I mean, it’s not like Kickstart is a full-fledged energy drink — you know, of the kind associated with more than 10,000 ER visits in 2007 and more than 20,000 in 2011. Kickstart contains about half the caffeine of Mountain Dew-related EXTREME beverage Amp, and about a quarter of the caffeine of a 16-ounce cup of Starbucks coffee.

Just enough, in other words, to carry one through to a point in the day where it’s not tacky or downright gross for anyone other than a teenaged professional snowboarder to have an actual energy drink. Because even the manufacturers of a product as vile as Mountain Dew realize that it might not be the right time to try and corner the potentially-lethal-energy-drink-as-breakfast-alternative market.

Though, that shit would be pretty EXTREME.