World’s oldest sex toy, a stone dildo, also used by a jealous caveman to start fires

It turns out that dildos weren’t always used exclusively for igniting metaphorical fires of desire. The world’s oldest known dildo, a 30,000-year-old siltstone phallus, also shows evidence of being struck against a flint rock to ignite fires. Talk about a multifunctional sex toy.

This stone cock was excavated from a German cave used by modern homosapiens. Rings are carved around one polished end, giving the stone a definite phallic shape and proving at least one of the dildo’s functions. More curiously, the stone also has marks where it was struck against a

flint rock. This demonstrates that the dildo was multifunctional, but I disagree with researchers as to what exactly these secondary markings are evidence of.

The NYdailynews claims this find was particularly unique as such expressions of masculinity from this time period rarely surface, even though artifacts celebrating femininity are common. Maybe it’s just me, but I fail to see how a stone dildo is an expression of masculinity. To me, this sex toy seems more like a celebration of feminism. Not only do these early cave women not need their males to satisfy them sexually, they can also use these stone cocks to make their own fires. Researchers have also failed to realize just how intimidating a stone cock would be to our smaller ancestors. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that cave women also used these cocks as a weapons for fending off males and their blunt, clubbing tactics of seduction.

I doubt this stone cock was regularly used to start fires. In my experience, women get pissed when you use their dildos for anything other than sex. The stone cock was pieced together from over twelve fragments. Researchers believe it was discarded after being broken, because, well, what do you do with a broken stone cock?

I suspect the fractured state is key to unlocking the mysteries of this prehistoric dildo. Imagine you’re a cave dude. You’ve been off battling the retarded and super-strong Neanderthals all week. All you want to do is come home and have a little sex with your lady, but what do you find. Bam! She's toying with this monolith of a stone cock which eclipses yours. And guess what, it can also start fires. You try to take the stone cock from her but she knocks you out with it. The first chance you get, what do you do? You try to break it, maybe hit it with your flint axe and set all her fur dresses on fire in the process. We must not forget that early homosapiens were above all men, and nothing pisses of a man more than a giant, rock hard cock that is satisfying his partner.

Photo from University of Tubingen.