On the subject of creepy-ass white vans

With so much disagreement amongst the people in our nation, it can seem like we have little in common with those with whom we disagree, but on some human level we can still see eye to eye on certain indisputable things. One of those things: the innate creepiness of the white van.

Nothing gets our fight-or-flight going like the slow-rolling, victim-trolling, creepy-ass white van.

What is it, though, about that vehicle that elicits the intuition that a murderous perv, smelling of mechanical grease with tobacco stained teeth and a lazy eye, is definitely scouting for someone to rape and torture before dumping their naked body in a wooded area somewhere around Plant City? We instinctively know it. Can all of us be wrong?

Surely we must be, sometimes. White vans are usually some kind of work van, so it stands to reason that hard-working, non-threatening people drive them, and not just murderous letches. But if that’s the case, white van drivers, make it known.

There are degrees of creepiness to white vans, with the worst being an older model, flat paint, and no windows except a driver and passenger window which, of course, have tint that’s peeling off around the edges.

White van drivers, we know that your van with no windows in the back is obviously a mini-dungeon where you hide your bound, gagged and blindfolded victims until you can get them to an abandoned warehouse and get down to business. The lack of windows means not only will no one be able to see what’s going on inside, but also that, in a pinch, the van can serve as a rape-mobile. It's common knowledge.

If you don’t want to be deemed creepy, make sure your van has lots of windows, looks well taken care of and also has some kind of respectable company logo painted on the side. We still don’t trust you, but with windows at least maybe if we’re abducted we can signal a nearby driver, and with the company logo there may be a trail to follow.

Recently I saw two guys driving white vans slow down and wave at each other. So now we know there is a secret society of white van-driving sickos. Damn it! Or maybe they just knew each other from hanging out at Brandy’s Lounge, or from the legitimate plumbing company they both work at, but that’s less likely than the secret society theory, amirite?

Not to let brown or blue vans off the hook. Vans in general are just plain good for kidnapping people. We know this because it happens in movies and on TV a lot, and it seems like a legit possibility. But the white van is the king-daddy of the creep factor.

As long as white vans exist and drive slowly near lone pedestrians, people’s Spidey senses will always perk up, because there’s probably a motherfuckingkiller driving that van.

We’re on to you, creepy white van drivers.