A contradictory love letter from a romantic sociopath

Hey, beautiful.

And by beautiful, I mean you’re hideous. And by hideous, I mean you’re gorgeous. SLASH disgusting.

How’s it going, baby? I hope you’re doing well. I mean awful. I mean marvelous. I’m having a great day. I want to go on a murdering spree today. Work has been alright, I guess. I mean, there are always ups and downs. Haven’t really eaten much today. I’m eating everything in sight. Skipped lunch so I would look thinner and people would like me more. Binged on Funyuns and three liters of Dr. Pepper. You know, the usual.

I’ve thought about you a lot today. Sometimes when I think about your smile it gives me butterflies in my stomach. SLASH makes me want to slap small children. SLASH takes my breath away. And by that I mean, I can’t breathe because I’m choking on vomit. Which smells like Funyuns and Dr. Pepper. You really do melt my heart.

I’ve been having a really great time getting to know you. Every time you speak, I get a sharp pain in my inner-ear. And I hope that we continue on down the path that we’re going, because that path is pretty awesome. The path that we’re on is in a back alleyway somewhere and it smells like bum piss. Every day with you is like a new adventure. Yeah, an adventure called “slowly sucking the life-essence from my soul.” Sometimes I can’t wait to wake up with you in the morning so we can start a new day together. You make me want to develop an addiction to Ambien. Gosh, I just like you a lot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m really happy that you’re a part of my life. The part that includes highway traffic and explosive diarrhea. I want you to know that I’m going to do anything in my power to make your days brighter. And by brighter, I mean beige. And by beige i mean neon green. SLASH dark clear.

You really are something special, you know that? You blend in with the crowd and sometimes I don’t even see you standing there. Life is funny. As soon as you stop searching, you find what you’re looking for. SLASH you make me feel like I’m playing Hide ‘n’ Seek and I’ve been in the pantry for 45 minutes and I already have to pee and all I can smell is beef bouillon, so then I sneeze and a little bit of pee comes out and then I have to cross my legs and hold my crotch for an additional eight minutes. I mean come on, I just sneezed, you couldn’t tell where that sound was coming from for eight whole minutes?! I’ll probably get a UTI now. And by UTI, I mean a positive outlook on life.

Well, I guess I’ll get going for now. There is still so much for me to do before I fall asleep tonight. SLASH I’ll probably just sit here and drink PBR and think about all the things I should be doing, but instead I’ll YouTube funny cat videos.

I hope your today was better than your yesterday, and your tomorrow is better than your today. Your best days are behind you; it’s all downhill from here.

Sweet dreams. SLASH sour nightmares.

I love you. And by love, I mean despise. And by despise, I mean eh, you’re alright.

Yours truly, I’m a compulsive liar,


[to read the original or other ridiculous nonsense, click here.]