And by beautiful, I mean youre hideous. And by hideous, I mean youre gorgeous. SLASH disgusting.
Hows it going, baby? I hope youre doing well. I mean awful. I mean marvelous. Im having a great day. I want to go on a murdering spree today. Work has been alright, I guess. I mean, there are always ups and downs. Havent really eaten much today. Im eating everything in sight. Skipped lunch so I would look thinner and people would like me more. Binged on Funyuns and three liters of Dr. Pepper. You know, the usual.
Ive thought about you a lot today. Sometimes when I think about your smile it gives me butterflies in my stomach. SLASH makes me want to slap small children. SLASH takes my breath away. And by that I mean, I cant breathe because Im choking on vomit. Which smells like Funyuns and Dr. Pepper. You really do melt my heart.
Ive been having a really great time getting to know you. Every time you speak, I get a sharp pain in my inner-ear. And I hope that we continue on down the path that were going, because that path is pretty awesome. The path that were on is in a back alleyway somewhere and it smells like bum piss. Every day with you is like a new adventure. Yeah, an adventure called slowly sucking the life-essence from my soul. Sometimes I cant wait to wake up with you in the morning so we can start a new day together. You make me want to develop an addiction to Ambien. Gosh, I just like you a lot.
I guess what Im trying to say is that Im really happy that youre a part of my life. The part that includes highway traffic and explosive diarrhea. I want you to know that Im going to do anything in my power to make your days brighter. And by brighter, I mean beige. And by beige i mean neon green. SLASH dark clear.
You really are something special, you know that? You blend in with the crowd and sometimes I dont even see you standing there. Life is funny. As soon as you stop searching, you find what youre looking for. SLASH you make me feel like Im playing Hide n Seek and Ive been in the pantry for 45 minutes and I already have to pee and all I can smell is beef bouillon, so then I sneeze and a little bit of pee comes out and then I have to cross my legs and hold my crotch for an additional eight minutes. I mean come on, I just sneezed, you couldnt tell where that sound was coming from for eight whole minutes?! Ill probably get a UTI now. And by UTI, I mean a positive outlook on life.
Well, I guess Ill get going for now. There is still so much for me to do before I fall asleep tonight. SLASH Ill probably just sit here and drink PBR and think about all the things I should be doing, but instead Ill YouTube funny cat videos.
I hope your today was better than your yesterday, and your tomorrow is better than your today. Your best days are behind you; its all downhill from here.
Sweet dreams. SLASH sour nightmares.
I love you. And by love, I mean despise. And by despise, I mean eh, youre alright.
Yours truly, Im a compulsive liar,
[to read the original or other ridiculous nonsense, click here.]