NEW THIS WEEK:
ALEXANDER (R) Shorn of the shock cuts and other postmodernist tricks of the trade that have typified his style, Oliver Stone's three-hour biopic of Alexander the Great is, at best, a curiously uninvolving affair. Alexander is notable for being Stone's attempt to craft a historical epic more or less in the traditional mold, but the film gains little from this strategy and in fact falls prey to many of the bugaboos of the form. There are lots of long, boring speeches; hokey dialogue; an unintentionally silly melange of accents (from Irish brogues to faux-Slavic); a couple of extended battle scenes where the cry of "Glory!" becomes a four syllable word; a horribly manipulative soundtrack (courtesy of Vangelis); and a narrator who tells us about key events in the hero's life so that we don't have to actually witness them for ourselves. Colin Farrell makes a surprisingly lackluster Alexander, playing the great conqueror as a whiney, poofy-haired surfer dude with mother issues and an eye for the boys. In place of his usual conspiracy theories and cinematic provocations, Stone layers in heaping helpings of pop psychology, mainly manifested by Angelina Jolie as Alexander's dominating, guilt-tripping, weirdly sensualized mother (she does some interesting things with snakes, too). Stone throws in everything but a vagina with teeth, but he doesn't seem to really understand the elements he's tinkering with, and doesn't have enough control over them to keep everything from turning into some ludicrous, quasi-camp interlude that seems to exist outside of the main body of the movie. Likewise for the depiction of Alexander's sexuality, which give us lots of come-hither stares between Farrell and various doe-eyed boys but leaves the only on-screen sex to a strictly hetero coupling between the star and a mightily breasted Rosario Dawson. In the end, the movie's simply confused and a bit of a bore, like a long-winded drunk who stayed too long at the party. Also stars Val Kilmer, Anthony Hopkins, Jared Leto and Christopher Plummer. Opens Nov. 26 at local theaters. 
1/2
BEING JULIA (NR) "Luminous" is a word that film critics tend to overuse when describing beautiful actresses lighting up the screen, beautifully, but hardly any other word will do for Annette Bening's career-topping performance here. The film itself is lushly mounted but otherwise pretty standard stuff — Bening plays an aging diva in 1930s London, engaged in a clandestine affair with a younger man — but Bening herself is on screen nearly every moment, and it's impossible to take our eyes off her. Director Istvan Szabo (Mephisto, Sunshine) invests the material with an appealingly light touch, lovely visual flourishes and as much wit as we might expect in what is essentially a pretty dull story. The film becomes better during a last act that manufactures some All About Eve-like backstage intrigue and runs with it, but the real reason to see the film is Bening, who is extraordinary. Also stars Jeremy Irons, Juliet Stevens and Michael Gambon. Opens Nov. 26 at Tampa Theatre. Call to confirm. 1/2
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS (PG) A holiday movie that's about as pleasant as the experience of sitting in a dentist's chair with a drill boring into your teeth. Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis play a married couple being guilt-tripped and virtually terrorized by their friends and neighbors because of their decision to take a vacation cruise rather than hang around and participate in the holidays. Things become even more chaotic when their grown daughter unexpectedly shows up, causing Allen and Curtis to put together a last-minute holiday extravaganza. The movie's first half amounts to a series of astonishingly unfunny sequences that beat us over the head with the commercialization of Christmas, while the second half does a complete about-face and makes with the sappy stuff. The film's only consistency is that it's frenetic and stupid throughout, with Curtis' performance mainly consisting of her running around and shrieking at the top of her lungs. Also stars Dan Akroyd and Julie Gonzalo. Opens Nov. 26 at local theaters.
ZELARY (NR) An elegantly photographed but overlong tale of opposites attracting, told against a backdrop of war and the local color of a small Eastern European village. Eliska (Ana Geislerova) is a young resistance fighter in the Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia of 1943 who discovers that the Germans are on to her. Fleeing to the Moravian countryside, the feisty city girl assumes the identity of the doting wife of a local farmer and attempts to blend in with the unsophisticated salt-of-the-earth types who inhabit the area. Director Ondrej Trojan has an eye for detail, contrasting the natural beauty of Eliska's new surroundings with the rough and sometimes despicable behavior of the locals, but the story here doesn't really warrant the film's 150-minute running time. Eliska's marriage of convenience eventually transforms into a love connection, as we knew it would, and the culture clash between urban and rural life fades. Even the global war raging just in the distance ultimately becomes a mere footnote in a relationship we've seen all too often on the screen. Also stars Gyorgy Gserhalmi and Jaroslava Adamova. Opens Nov. 26 at Sunrise Cinemas. Call theater to confirm.
RECENT RELEASES:
AFTER THE SUNSET (PG-13) Although there are worse ways to wile away 90-some minutes, After the Sunset isn't really exciting or original enough to engage us as a heist movie, and it's not funny enough to succeed as a comedy. Pierce Brosnan (further distancing himself from the 007 image in flip-flops and a gray, gristled chin) and Salma Hayek are retired jewel thieves playing elaborately pointless cat-and-mouse games with FBI agent Woody Harrelson while they consider that inevitable one last heist. The movie is pleasant to look at (particularly the island locations and a frequently semi-clad Hayek), and some of the dialogue is fairly clever and quirky, but we've seen this Elmore Leonard-lite shtick too many times before. Also stars Don Cheadle. 1/2
ALFIE (R) Jude Law stars in this slick but pointless remake of the 1966 Michael Caine star-maker about a womanizing, commitment-phobic cad. Behavior that seemed shocking and provocative on a movie screen nearly four decades ago, however, now simply seems a bit inane and even creepy, and this new version of Alfie can't quite figure out what to do with its eponymous hero or how to feel about him. Law's character spends most of the movie yakking directly to the camera, endlessly re-stating versions of his personal philosophy ("It's all about FBB — face, boobs, buns)" and flitting from one woman to the next. Similarly, the movie flits from one Big Emotion to the next, starting out as a zippy and gleefully superficial ode to a superficial sex addict, and then executing some wild mood swings into unreservedly maudlin territory before swinging back again. The action's been transplanted from swinging '60s London to contemporary Manhattan, but otherwise the movie acts as if feminism, AIDS or even the notion of political correctness had never happened. Even during those moments when Law's character begins expressing something resembling remorse or the rudimentary stirrings of a conscience, the movie's not sharp enough to point out the multiple ironies implicit in the sadness. Marisa Tomei is very good here as one of Alfie's conquests, and there's a nice scene involving Susan Sarandon (another conquest) and some absinthe, but otherwise don't waste your time. Also stars Omar Epps, Nia Long and Sienna Miller.
AROUND THE BEND (R) Just in time for Halloween comes the inaugural film from writer/director Jordan Roberts. It's about spooky skeletons — no, not the ambulatory remains of the dead — the kind that reside in proverbial closets. This type of skeleton waits for a prime opportunity to emerge and reveal discomforting, fundamental truths about its owner, spawning films with pathos-invoking plots and soul-searching characters. That Christopher Walken fills a primary role in this movie should make it just a smidge creepier. Also stars Michael Caine and Josh Lucas. (Not Reviewed)
BIRTH (R) Ponderously artsy and turgid almost beyond belief, Birth is a very beautiful and very boring movie that can't make up its mind whether it's a psychological thriller, a bizarre love story or some big, fat, metaphysical statement on the nature of the universe. Nicole Kidman stars as an upper-crusty Manhattanite whose seams begin cracking when a 10-year-old boy (Cameron Bright) shows up at her door claiming to be the reincarnation of her dead husband. The mood is heavy and the pensive characters speak in terse, dense, oddly balanced cadences that seem lifted from a mid-'60s Ingmar Bergman film — or, more specifically, from Woody Allen doing Bergman. The whole thing frequently borders on unintentional parody, an investigation of spiritual dread on the Upper West Side a la Allen's Interiors, where every character's request to pass the salt is supposed to be charged with enigma. Birth is elegantly shot and lushly scored, but the movie doesn't seem half as meaningful as it wants us to believe, and could certainly have benefited by allowing a glimmer of humor to poke through on occasion. The film is a radical and not particularly satisfying change of pace and direction from Jonathan Glazer, director of the ferociously energetic Sexy Beast. Also stars Danny Huston, Anne Heche and Lauren Bacall.
BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON (PG-13) Bridget Jones is far from happy as a pig in shit, but that's exactly where she lands — wallowing with a bunch of swine in a tub of excrement — within the first few minutes of this bouncy but not particularly pleasant sequel to the popular 2001 film. From there, it's a short step to extreme wide-angle close-ups of B.J.'s considerable bum (accompanied by an off-screen voice demanding "get a shot of that porker"), as Edge of Reason piles on scene after embarrassing scene where the game plan apparently equates maximum humiliation of its heroine with maximum laughter. Most of the movie simply retreads variations on the first film's familiar shtick, to somewhat more boring effect, but Edge of Reason's big mistake is falling over that critical fine line between laughing with its main character and laughing at her. The movie often feels like a chick flick designed by Three Stooges fans, with a klutzier, frumpier, blotchier and generally more pathetic Bridget falling all over herself while failing miserably at romance, and eventually winding up in a Thai prison where she hands out copies of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus to her female cellmates. Seriously. Stars Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth and Hugh Grant. 1/2
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (PG-13) Thoughtful and well-acted, Friday Night Lights gets what high school football in small-town America is all about. Odessa, Texas, the small town in question, has a history of state championships and nothing less than perfection will do. These people are serious. Walk down Main Street on game night and you'll find "Gone to Game' signs in all the shop windows. Visit the local Wal-Mart and you might catch the head coach (Billy Bob Thorton) being accosted by alumni boosters making veiled threats about winning or else. This is a film so focused on football, it contains only one scene involving girls and no scenes set in a classroom. Varsity Blues it's not. Instead, Director Peter Berg looks for realism in the relationships of the characters and in the brutality of the sport. Even though the plot spins in some predictable sports movie ways, the results are well above average for the genre. 1/2
—Joe Bardi
THE GRUDGE (PG-13) Silly remake of a Japanese horror film that finds Sarah Michelle Gellar studying in Tokyo and working as an elderly caregiver whose first patient turns out to live in a cursed house. The house comes complete with a creature in the attic that has a penchant for killing all those who enter (except, strangely, real estate agents). The direction, by Takashi Shimizu (who directed the original as well), is stylish and delivers some nice thrills, especially in an atmospheric first act. Never before have Japanese children seemed so creepy! Unfortunately, the film is unable to sustain the suspense and quickly turns into a repetitive series of prefab shocks, with predictable musical cues underlying familiar frights. By the time the atrocious ending rolls around, any horror has long since left the screen. Besides, in an October that saw the Red Sox win the World Series, does anyone really believe in curses, anyway?
—Joe Bardi
I heart HUCKABEES (R) The story here, or as close to a story as Huckabees gets, involves a lank-haired environmentalist-cum-poet named Albert (Rushmore's Jason Schwartzman) who hires a couple of wacky "existentialist detectives" (Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin) in order to find out why he suddenly feels that life has no meaning. The movie alternately meanders and zips through a series of verbal and visual non sequiturs, related in a scrambled, non-linear manner that apes the patterns of human memory, not unlike a more frenetic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that wears its philosophical pedigree on its sleeve. The movie is smart as a whip, in an almost painfully self-conscious way, but it's not particularly interesting, and the wordplay — non-stop chatter, really, shtick — ultimately begins to take on the abrasive quality of white noise. Also stars Jude Law, Mark Wahlberg, Naomi Watts and Isabelle Huppert. 1/2
THE INCREDIBLES (PG) Having previously invested fish, bugs and tiny bits of plastic with human speech and emotions, Pixar have finally taken on real live human beings — and in honor of the occasion, they've opted for a slightly (but only slightly) more sophisticated, pop-culture-savvy approach. The Incredibles mines some familiar movie models — three parts action blockbuster to two parts classic spy flick, shaken not stirred, and complete with cool gadgets, dastardly arch-nemesis and a groovy Goldfinger-esque score. Like all of Pixar's little animated opuses, however, it is also essentially a love letter to the family unit, and although this smart and very funny movie's emotional center might be a touch less overtly warm and fuzzy than something like Finding Nemo, it still gets the job done nicely. Beyond that, the movie is filled with some spectacular animation and expertly realized action sequences, culminating in a final, Spy Kids-like blow-out where everyone gets a chance to strut their super stuff. And although it's become something of a cliche to say this about each new Pixar release, the results are pretty darned magical. Featuring the voices of Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Samuel L. Jackson and Jason Lee.
LADDER 49 (PG-13) Well made and horribly depressing, Ladder 49 leaves the viewer with an admiration for the craft that went into the film and a desire to somehow purge it from memory. Joaquin Phoenix stars as a Baltimore firefighter injured and trapped in a burning high-rise. As he drifts in and out of consciousness and the other members of his crew desperately try to find and rescue him (much yelling over saws and fire), the film presents us with an overview of his life. The standard "rookies' first day," firehouse-hazing and love-interest scenes are all present and accounted for, and the structure will be familiar to anyone who has ever seen a movie. However, the acting and direction rise well above the material, and therein lies the dilemma. While it is easy to admire Ladder 49 for its technical prowess, it's also tempting to leave the theater in search of a stiff drink — or a noose.
—Joe Bardi
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES (R) A beautifully observed road movie/buddy pic that gains considerable resonance from the fact that one of its central travelers is a young Che Guevara, sowing a few wild oats before becoming the revolutionary poster-boy who went on to famously fight in Cuba and die in Bolivia. The movie follows 23-year-old medical student Ernesto Guevara (Gael Garcia Bernal as a sweetly sincere pre-Che Che), and his slightly older friend Alberto (Rodrigo de la Serna), as they embark on an epic journey across Latin America on a rickety motorbike dubbed "The Mighty One." Also stars Gustavo Bueno, Mia Maestro and Jorge Chiarella.
NATIONAL TREASURE (PG) Lightweight but entertaining yarn about a secret treasure hidden by the Founding Fathers, an invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence, and an enterprising treasure hunter (Nicholas Cage) who hopes to find what generations of his family members could not. The film could play as nothing more than an attempt to cash in on the massive success of The Da Vinci Code, but director Jon Turteltaub manage to keep the plot moving and the characters convincing. Cage is outstanding at the center of the film, always engaging and lending heft to the pseudo-history presented throughout the film (think of it more as name-dropping than actual history). The supporting players, including Diane Kruger as the love interest and Harvey Keitel as the cop investigating the case, are also terrific. Perhaps the film's biggest surprise is just how innocent it is, playing up adventure instead of violence and keeping the language mild. This one truly is for the whole family.
—Joe Bardi
THE POLAR EXPRESS (G) An amazing technical achievement, but one with a very big heart (even if it does occasionally wear that heart a little too openly on its sleeve), Polar Express looks a lot like an instant holiday classic. Based on Chris Van Allsburg's popular book, this beautifully animated feature follows a magical train as it transports a group of children to the North Pole for a close encounter with the Clausmeister. Along the way, all sorts of strange things happen, things both inexplicably surreal and, sometimes, terribly exciting, and it all culminates in an irresistibly sappy message about the child-like joys of believing in believing. Director Robert Zemeckis handles the movie's frenetic action sequences in fine style, but is equally adept at communicating the atmospheric poetry of the long, nearly wordless stretches. Tom Hanks, whose voice and movements provided the template for no less than five of the movie's characters, is in fine form here as well, although there's still something just a little unintentionally creepy about watching digitally generated humans who are this close to being exactly like us, but aren't. Also features Eddie Deezen, Nona Gaye and Peter Scorlari.
RAY (PG-13) While not quite the modern American classic we were hoping for, Ray is still solid entertainment and a particular joy for Ray Charles fans. The movie presents Charles as a fusion of musical genius, tortured soul and Daredevil/Zatoichi (with an impressively developed hearing sense compensating for his blindness), and then dutifully walks us through the high and low points of his life. We get the music (thankfully, and lots of it), the childhood traumas, the drugs, the womanizing, the refusal to see blindness as a handicap, and the eventual rise to fame. The music is glorious, of course (with a heavy concentration on Ray's brilliant mid- to late-'50s period), and Jamie Foxx's performance/impersonation ranks with Jim Carrey's impeccable Andy Kaufman, but Ray is not immune to many of the problems that inevitably plague bio-pics. As is common with this form, the movie tends to play like a greatest hits (and flops) of Charles' life, with equal weight given to nearly everything, too much crammed in, and too little transitional material. The movie makes a stab at a narrative center, supplied by Ray's lifelong battle with heroin, but it's a battle we barely know is being waged until the movie's last few scenes. But these are basically minor bumps in what is for the most part a pretty groovy road. Also stars Kerry Washington and Regina King. 1/2
SAW (R) There's an intriguing set-up here — two confused victims waiting for death in a filthy bathroom — but it quickly gives way to scads of clumsy exposition, awful acting and miscalculated shock tactics borrowed from other, better movies. Saw is barely the sum of its own plundered parts, and it undercuts even that modicum of creepiness by constantly cutting away to a series of unnecessary subplots and flashbacks that dissipate the film's energy. It's only a horror flick, though, so all of this would be forgivable if the movie would just shut up occasionally and scare us. The movie is bound to be someone's guilty pleasure, and I suppose it does try to show us a good time (while calling into question just how we define "good time"), but too much of it is either laughably inept or gratuitously ugly. Stars Cary Elwes, Leigh Whannell, Danny Glover and Monica Potter 1/2
SEED OF CHUCKY (R) Those demonic dolls are back again, and this time we get the whole dysfunctional family. Chucky and his evil bride, definitively dispatched in the last installment, are resurrected by their do-gooder son Glen, who just can't believe his parents are really all that bad. They are, of course, and mayhem ensues, much of it reportedly on a set for a Hollywood movie — a scenario bound to be milked for all sorts of postmodern irony. Featuring the voices of Brad Dourif and Jennifer Tilly. (Not Reviewed)
SHARK TALE (PG) Shark Tale takes the familiar fable of the brave little tailor and sets it in an underwater realm, with Will Smith giving voice to a poor little fish who becomes a celebrity when he's mistaken as a fearless shark slayer. There's also a big, scary-looking shark who just wants to cuddle, and a typical array of uplifting messages about the value of family, tolerance and being true to yourself. The computer-generated animation is as dazzling as we've come to expect in these big-budget CGI projects, but the movie's humor and incessant pop culture references seem to consist largely of leftovers from Shrek. Featuring the voices of Jack Black, James Gandolfini, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger and Martin Scorsese. 1/2
SIDEWAYS (R) Alexander Payne's latest film, like the director's previous About Schmidt, is a road movie that easily transcends its own sub-genre, a tragi-comic quest with no clear objectives but lots of priceless detours. There's no real end in sight, but it hardly matters; the fun is all in how we get there (or not). Sideways is also a buddy movie of sorts, a testosterone comedy that serves as a playful, sometimes painful and always spot-on dissection of the male psyche as it lurches toward middle age. The aging male buddies in question are a classic odd couple, depressed wannabe author Miles (Paul Giamatti) and cocky, washed-up actor Jack (Thomas Haden Church), two old pals spending some time together in California's wine country during the week before Jack's wedding. Sideways is not only incisive but also extremely funny as it goes about the business of detailing Jack's and Miles' excellent adventure, observing our not-quite-heroes as they hook up with a couple of wine-loving California girls and have themselves a fine old time built on the proverbial tissue of lies. Payne's film sneaks up on us in exactly the way its title suggests, zigging and zagging and segueing unconventionally but organically from scene to scene, bowling us over with beautifully drawn characters and unpredictable trajectories that somehow make perfect sense. Also stars Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh. 1/2
THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE (PG) Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Yep, it's Nickelodeon's favorite son, that little ol' absorbent, yellow pop culture icon, making the leap from the living room boob tube to your neighborhood megaplex. There are a few snags along the way — the movie has trouble holding our interest for nearly 90 minutes, mostly owing to an overly conventional storyline (Spongebob and Patrick embark on a quest to retrieve King Neptune's crown) that tries too hard to mold itself for the big screen. Still, that patented blend of wide-eyed nonsense and gleeful anarchy remains pretty much intact and there are periodic bursts of absurd brilliance that make it all worthwhile (a pectorally gifted David Hasselhoff, and Spongebob and Patrick getting drunk on ice cream are only a few examples). The world of Bikini Bottom seems to work better in small doses, but any excuse to spend some time with Mr. Squarepants — the Pee-Wee Herman of his generation — is OK with me. Featuring the voices of Alec Baldwin, Clancy Brown, Rodger Bumpass and Bill Fagerbakke. 1/2
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS (PG-13) Ben Affleck stars as a rich advertising salesman who, when dumped by his girlfriend and lacking a family of his own, attempts to rent a stranger's brood (James Gandolfini's) for the holidays. Surviving Christmas tries to put a seasonal spin on the screwball comedy. Unfortunately, it lacks the timing and comes across as equal parts cruel and annoying. Neither Affleck nor Gandolfini ever find their footing with the material, and the results are often awkward. Even the usually terrific Catherine O'Hara is humbled in a ludicrous subplot involving a modeling shoot. The film is not completely devoid of laughs, and a few bits about signed contracts and a grandparent called "Doo-Dah' get a Santa-like belly laugh, but by the time the perfunctory romantic interest (Christina Applegate) pops up, you may begin wondering why it's Christmas in October.
—Joe Bardi
TAXI (PG-13) Speed demon cabbie Queen Latifah teams up with bumbling undercover cop Jimmy Fallon in pursuit of sexy female bank robbers in this astonishingly lame remake of Luc Besson's 1999 action comedy. Fallon, who has done some very funny things on Saturday Night Live, seems noticeably uncomfortable in this very badly written role, and barely warrants a single laugh throughout the movie's entire running time. The film lacks the high style and crisp editing associated with a Besson project, the performances are phoned-in, and there's really no story here to speak of, hence very little reason at all to see Taxi. Also stars Jennifer Esposito
TEAM AMERICA:WORLD POLICE (R) South Park bad boys Trey Parker and Matt Stone dish up an all-puppet raunch-fest that more than lives up to its claim of being "the most outrageous movie of the year,' complete with copious amounts of puppet gore, puppet sex and virtually non-stop, gleefully foul puppet profanity. Team America also happens to be one of the funniest movies of the year (if you can suspend your more sensitive, politically correct instincts), at least until the energy level begins to flag when some of the jokes start repeating themselves after the first hour or so. Still, the crude, Thunderbirds-style marionette animation (with no attempt to even hide the strings) is a perfect vehicle for Parker and Stone's spoof of big, dumb action movies, the musical numbers are as clever as they are hummable, and the movie has the dubious distinction of featuring what has to be the funniest vomiting scene ever (Monty Python included). 1/2
UNDERTOW (R) David Gordon offers up a healthy chunk of aggressive, plot-driven action. What Green seems to be up to this time is a stripped-down re-imagining of Night of the Hunter, Charles Laughton's classic tale of two small siblings playing a life-or-death game of hide and seek with their seriously twisted stepfather. In Undertow, the siblings are a little older and a lot more fractured — one brother is a sickly 10-year-old, and the other is an agitated teen teetering on the cusp of adulthood — and the hymn-singing, psycho-preacher stepdad of the earlier film has been transformed into an oily, ex-con uncle in a muscle car. Green again sets his movie in the beloved, rural South of his previous films, a landscape that becomes as much a central character in Undertow as the young brothers and their pursuer. Reflected through the eye of the director's longtime cinematographer Tim Orr, an overgrown field or an old pick-up truck rusting in someone's yard inexplicably becomes the object of a dreamy sort of beauty. It's a little early to be calling Green a visionary, but this is clearly a filmmaker whose particular way of looking at the world seeps into everything he does, and Undertow is a blank slate inexplicably transformed into something meaningful by little more than sheer will. Stars Jamie Bell, Dermot Mulroney, Josh Lucas and Devon Alan. 1/2
Reviewed entries by Lance Goldenberg unless otherwise noted.
This article appears in Nov 24-30, 2004.