Have you ripped up your brackets yet?
Aqib Muttaqi Talib (POP! Jesus! Excuse me, my spell-check just exploded) is an extremely interesting person (or person of interest if you must get technical) according to Garland, Texas police as they investigate a "family dispute" where shots were fired. Talib allegedly attempted to pistol-whip his sister's boyfriend who has two pending domestic violence cases against her (couldn't help noticing he is still referred to as "boyfriend" and not "ex-boyfriend") and after wrestling the gun away and fleeing, Talib grabbed his Mamma's gun (not a typo) and fired it into the night in the general direction of said boyfriend. Talib, as you may recall, is the 2008 first rounder out of Kansas who got into a fight at the rookie symposium (like beer-bonging at an AA meeting), fought teammate Donald Penn at the 2009 mini-camp as well as Torrie Cox by hitting him in the face with his helmet and punched out a taxi driver, all before the age of 25 (quite the overachiever). This all strikes me as odd since Talib was previously sentenced to eight hours of anger management (perhaps "hours" should have been replaced with "years" and "anger" with "sodomy").
Speaking of felons, another worthless meat-sack stole $56,000 worth of jewelry, cash, electronics, computer equipment and an AK-47 out of the Port Charlotte rental home of Rays players Evan Longoria, David Price and Reid Brignac while they were at Charlotte Sports Park. See, kids, if you choose the seductive glamorous life of a thug, make sure you can also cover a wide receiver so good folks like Raheem Morris can give you a couple thousand second chances.
The biggest story to come out of Honda Grand Prix in St. Petersburg over the weekend was inexplicably all about the driver who came in fourth place. Fourth? Really? That's not even bronze. What's this guy's name, anyway? 'minimize'… 'click', 'click', scroll…Oh, her name is Simona De Silvestro, a 22-year-old gal out of Switzerland (Not to be confused with Sweden. One has chocolate, one has meatballs) who came in fourth behind three dudes you'll never hear about. Isn't that adorable? NASCAR flop Danica Patrick, who continues to fight for equality by shaking her tits for GoDaddy, came in 12th. Hey society, how about equal rights for groupies? I'm still considered a "stalker" by the state. Labels…
Quicker Hits: Our own Tampa Bay Storm got absolutely impaled by the Cleveland Gladiators in the worst beatdown since Russell Crow strapped on a codpiece and decapitated a Christian Tiger (somewhere fired coach Tim Marcum is giggling…because Gladiator sounds like Glad-he-ate-her); Pop quiz: The VCU mascot is, class? Anyone? Okay back up, VCU stands for…; Finally, just hours after being gunned down on Saturday, some fellow lunatic uber-fans of a Colombian soccer team stole 17-year-old Christopher Jacome's body from the funeral home and took the coffin to the game. No seriously, look closely at the photo. And I thought people died during soccer games…of boredom. Ha-cha!
This article appears in Mar 24-30, 2011.
