During Thanksgiving dinner, when one of your older relatives suggests thanking God for something, feel free to roll your eyes — and borrow one of my ideas.
In a sluggish economy, during a birthday month that means I'm one step closer to adult-diaper-wearing years, it's easy to focus on the negative. All I have to do is watch our Congressional "leaders" happily ensuring that everything gets worse, in order to make the president's re-election that much more difficult. Or I can listen to Herman Cain brag about raising more money thanks to unearthed charges of sexual harassment.
Turning on the radio doesn't help. The other day, I realized with a certain amount of horror that I'm not fully prepared to live in a world where "Desire" by U2 is considered classic rock.
Yet I refuse to give in to heartache and despair. I found at least 10 things that don't suck about my life. During Thanksgiving dinner, when one of your older relatives takes his teeth out of a glass and suggests thanking God for something specific, feel free to roll your eyes.
Then borrow one of my ideas.
10) I have to do the obligatory, "Thanks for my health and the health and safety of loved ones." Nothing makes me feel more like an ungrateful bitch than hearing stories from others about tragic health issues, childhood diseases, or missing limbs. I can still wipe my own ass, and no one is asking me to wipe theirs. Therefore, I will smile and give a "what what" in the name of gratitude because not everyone can say the same.
9) Rice cakes. Old CW: They taste worse than cardboard served with a side of dog tongue. New CW: They are not only a delicious and low-calorie alternative to bread, but they take on the flavor of whatever I'm eating them with. Kinda like tofu. And Johnny Depp.
8) Employment. No one should be allowed to sing "Take This Job and Shove It" for at least three more generations. If you have a job, a real job, with benefits and health care, I don't want to hear a single complaint. Have you looked around lately? There are lots of people who would give their eye-teeth, as well as some really nice crystals and a couple of Phish vinyl records, to say the same. Sure, we may not be doing what we've always dreamed of. I'm not working at the New York Times, for example. But I'm not getting laid off because assholes stopped reading newspapers either. I make an honest living without foreclosing on homes for Bank of America. I'm thankful for that.
7) Friends. They are the family we choose and keep us strong. They don't remind me about all the things I did in 1975. They don't remember bad hair years when I bleached what I couldn't comb down. They love me despite the fact that I brag about my kids. I cherish them. They are better than stock options or capital gains.
6) My life partner. No, I'm not talking about Merlot. I'm thankful I married the funniest man on earth who doesn't mind my sensitive skin and support stockings. Represent.
5) Since September, 650,000 people moved their money from a bank into a credit union. Fuck you, Wall Street.
4) I've never said "What it is is…," "Let's compare apples to apples," or "Soup to nuts" out loud.
3) I'm no longer a sales rep.
2) Tim Tebow. He believes in the miracle of gay reparative therapy. He believes a woman should bear her rapist's baby. He defends this world view with Bronze Age folk tales and Jesus. I'm thankful because it reminds me that although I'm not handsome or worth millions, I can drink an entire can of alphabet soup, bend over, and shit out better life-affirming values. Thanks Timmy!
1) My children have not tried drugs, even after four months of middle school.
And then there's this: I do not need to sue anyone because of Paxil birth defects, vaginal mesh implant mishaps, or discomfort brought on by unusual anal bleeding thanks to faulty ass cream.
Yet.
Catherine Durkin Robinson can be found online at www.outinleftfield.com and dailyloafblog.com.
This article appears in Nov 24-30, 2011.